WHAT I KNOW FOR SURE – SHIT HAPPENS

What I know for sure is life feel strange and eery these days. Our spring feels cold and wintry one day and hot and summery the next. The nights are still in minus temperatures. We are in the third wave of Covid-19 and variants. The news is not good across our country. In India people are dying in the streets. It’s hard not to feel disheartened, depressed and anxious. I’ve come to accept that I feel things deeply. I’ve become familiar with how my body reacts and have learned how to sit with it all. After all, I’ve been sitting in meditation, listening to the soothing voice of Mark Williams for many years now.

What I know for sure is I can’t do everything. I shouldn’t try but I do sometimes. And I end up being overtired and overwhelmed. Then I get forgetful. I forgot my online class Monday morning. And I forgot to pay a bill. I expect I will be penalized for late payment. What I know for sure is shit happens. I try not to sweat the small stuff. I get up. I move around. I try to do something constructive to break up sweaty thoughts and feelings. These strategies does help to break up bad thoughts and vibes. I try to learn and not repeat my mistakes.

What I know for sure is I’m hard on myself. I’m learning to give myself a break and not overloading what I can handle. It’s okay not to fulfill everything I set out to do at any given time. I have to prioritize and do the important stuff first and not fret over small items. What I know for sure is life is hard. It always has been. We are now on the road less travelled. Are you up for it?

SHIT HAPPENS

It is March. We’ve left cold, cold February behind. The days are longer. The temperature is more moderate. The snow piles in the back alleys are slowly going down, revealing a lot of dog poo left behind by dog owners not looking after their shit. I see it on sidewalks as well. It does make me wonder and shake my head. I DO the responsible thing and pick up but I have been attacked more than a few times without probable cause. Not only that, I got yelled at once for making sure I got every piece that Sheba left, bagged and put in the garbage. The trouble was, I had put it in HER garbage bin in the back alley.

I was so surprised to hear this loud tapping as I was putting the doggy bag into the garbage. I felt like a deer in headlight. I looked up to see this woman in her window gesturing wildly at me and the bag fell out of my hand into HER garbage bin. She rushed to the door and flung it open. Her porky face was all red. “You don’t put your dog’s mess into my garbage!” She yelled. I was mesmerized, still a deer in headlights. Wow! It was like watching a movie. She got so upset that I was so careful kicking the snow to find all Sheba’s shit to bag and put into the garbage. It was February, the coldest February in the last 80 years. It will be frozen within minutes. What was the worry? Her bin was in the alley, city property.

I wonder if my emotions had been frozen by the temperature. I was unusally calm. I smiled at her, apologized and promised never to do it again. It left me with such a good feeling because I am normally a very reactive person. Maybe I have learned to tame and curb my reactiveness after all these long years. I still have that tape playing in my head, the loud tap, tapping on the window like a woodpecker’s. I see her chunky body in the door frame, her flushed fleshy face and her anger. All that because I had picked up and bagged my dog’s shit and put it in the garbage bin.

I wonder if I’ve myself  behaved similarly. The answer is probably yes. How silly and trivial anything is, is all in the eye of the beholder and reactor. But I did swear after that incident, that I would be a little more discerning about the shit I lose my temper and sanity to. Some shit is just not worthy to lose my gasket and health over. I am sure I lose bits and pieces of myself when I do that. I am going to stop reacting and retaliating. I’m going to rethink and respond instead. I know I will fail some days. Then I will try to forgive myself. I’m learning about self care and the ADHD in me as well.

 

WRITING ON THE WORD

IMG_39192015 is over. We are into the second day of 2016. There has been no big bang.  No celebration.  None that I’ve felt nor seen anyways. It’s disappointing in a way but it’s all good.  It’s a slow comfortable ease from the old into the new. Let me celebrate it now with my words and pictures.  Let me draw back the curtain and close the door. Let there be no distractions while I sit in the STILLNESS of last year’s word and think about the ORDER I want in the coming year.

IMG_3925My tea is made.  I am ready to sit in silence and look backyards to what I have left behind.  It is peaceful here looking out to what was. What was fell short of my intentions of stillness.  It happens.  Shit and failure can happen.  I see that now. I am not that powerful.  I am not in control of the Universe.  I cannot wave my magic wand and make VOILA! happen.  I can’t even tell you a good fairy tale.

 

IMG_3930What I can tell you is that the stillness I intended and longed for is here within me now.  In this moment as I am tapping out my words, I feel its presence within.  I look up and I can feel my ancestors looking down on me.  I hear a whisper.  ‘Be still and you will find order in your life.’

 

WAITING FOR THE STORM

IMG_1158Hot August day. I am waiting for the storm to erupt.  I am not feeling kosher, not copacetic at all.  In other words everything is not ducky.  I am seeing life through jaundiced eyes.  Do not worry!  I am not blaming you or anyone else.  Do not take it personally. It is just me, feeling the swirling energy around me.

There’s no need for sympathy nor pity.  I am doing quite well.  Perhaps I should be grateful for my kaleidoscope of moods and feelings.  I understand from whence they come.  Knowing myself enables me to understand others’ behaviour and feelings better.  It makes life easier and we all need that.

I do not try to fix myself anymore.  Believe me, I have tried so many times and in so many ways – self-help books, therapy, medication.  At long last I have come to accept myself, giving myself permission to be all that is human.  I no longer think of myself as being flawed.  Some days will be better than others.  Shit happens sometimes.  That is life, as they say.

IMG_6869No more There is less running around like a chicken with its head cut off, trying to overthrow my discomfort.  Now, I am okay just to sit with my own storm, waiting for God’s.  The sky is grey, the air is still.  The birds are chirping.  I’m waiting for their singing to stop.  That is when the rain will fall.  I’m waiting to hear the pitter patter above my head.