I hate it that I’m such a clutter bug. I’m always misplacing things. I waste alot of time and get into such a snit searching for the lost. They eventually are found. I’ve made many vows on doing better, getting organized with a place for everything. I don’t vow any more because so far that hasn’t worked. What I want to do is just DO IT! I can succeed if I do it a little, even just an inch at a time.
I had lost the clipper that I use in the greenhouse 2 days ago. I looked high and low. No success. It’s so annoying but I try to let it go after each search. I do try to figure out why it is so irksome when I have 3 other pairs I could use. I searched again this morning with no success. I tried not to mutter my irritation. No success either. The guy heard. He came back in on his way to his workshop to tell me he found my clippers in the greenhouse. They were under my work gloves. Sometimes we just need a different pair of eyes. Now I wish he could spot my root stimulating powder. But I’m not wasting more time in searching. The plant cuttings will have to root or not in water.
It looks like we are heading into some frosty temperatures in a couple of days. I will have to get my ass in gear and plant my bulbs this afternoon. I have to remind myself not to order any more bulbs next year. They know what they are doing when they send out fall seed catalogues in middle of summer. I am enticed with all those flowering bulbs. It seems like a such good idea when it is warm. Come late September when I get my shipment, I’m disgusted with myself. What was I thinking of? I am tired from all that planting, watering, weeding, harvesting and perserving. Then there’s the cleanup of plant material, chopping them up and throwing them into the compost bins. What I dislike the most is gathering up all the plant containers, trays and pots to put away.
No point in wasting time and energy disliking and procrastinating either. I better save them for doing the jobs at hand. I’ve just harvested my cabbage and the rest of the cayenne peppers. I’m defrosting lunch while I’m sipping my cuppa and finishing up here. Have a good day.
Friday. The sun came out. The temperature went up. It’s 26℃ and the wind is blowing at 47 km/hour. Super crazy, eh? from a cloudy cool 17℃ of yesterday. It is what it is. My body is liking today better than yesterday. I’m taking an extra strength Tylenol tid, that is 3 times a day to help me roll with the punches. No matter how I feel, I want to move and get some things done. That’s another challenge I’ve adopted. If I feel lousy not doing anything, I might as well do something and have something to show for my suffering.
Procrastination and avoidance have their own pain. They don’t work. They’re like the elephant in the room, weighing heavy on the back of my mind. I’m going to put on my thinking cap. Maybe I can conjure up a workable manual on how to get anything done. A good starting point is to identify what it is that I want done. Then I need to identify what steps I need to take to accomplish that task. Sounds simple, doesn’t it? Apparently not, for me.
I’m sick and tired of how I’ve been. I find it hard to do stuff. I fret, fuss and feel totally uncomfortable, not wanting to get to the task and not knowing how and where to start. I think and worry about the whole enchilada. It’s one huge blob/problem in my mind. No wonder I feel overwhelmed and run away. I made a new start today. NO MORE OVERWHELM. I had an hour this morning before heading out to our exercise class. I asked myself, What do I want to do with that time? I had plans of doing more seeding. The seed packs had been sitting on the dining table for a few days now. I willed myself to the task. I willed myself to put the seed packs away after. It didn’t take all that long. I had time to plant a few left over peas I had sprouted awhile back.
It’s a small step in the right direction. I have to keep asking myself, what do I want to get done. Then I need to think of each step I need to take. I also need to stop having a cuppa/break before I do anything. I need to do first and then have a cuppa. As you may have gathered, I have many cuppa in a day.
I have not done well at all. I am sorely disappointed in myself. I am still stuck in all my bad habits, all my clutter and procrastination. I am reluctant to move, change and get rid of anything, even worries. There’s a certain security that I feel in being stagnant even though it causes a gnawing discomfort. Being disgusted with oneself is not such a bad thing. It moved me to pick up my phone and make the needed appointment to get my car serviced. It was as hard as the medical and dental checkups and the call to the plumber. And it is hard to come to this space, too. I’ve fallen out of the habit.
The above words were written more than a few days ago. Bad habits like procrastination are hard to overcome. Wishing does not do the trick. I have to physically do the work. I had fallen back in love with words reading Geneen Roth’s cancer chronicles. I thought it would do the trick in bringing me back here. I thought I could write my own chronicles. I was fired up for a few short moments. I didn’t act on it and the momentum died. That is the thing – I have to take advantage of those falling in love and fired up moments. I needed to put my ass in the chair in front of the keyboard. I’m here finally, not exactly fired up, but my fingers are tapping away.
That dreaded car service appointment turned out quite beneign. There was no Oh, my God! at the end. I took advantage of being out to be out and about while waiting. The guy and I took a trip out to Chief Whitecap Park (Furdale Dog Park) for a walk in nature. It was Sheba’s old haunt in her younger years. I took her there every day I was off from work to run off some of her energy. It is full of beauty and memories. Sheba is gone now but she is with me always, trotting at my side. I feel her presence vividly along the trails, on the beach and the hill sides. On the way back, we stopped at Hue’s Art Supplies to view Degen Linder’s works in the gallery. It was a day well spent. I have fallen back in love with the doing and seeing in the physical world. It’s good to get out of my head.
Can you hear me muttering and cursing through cyberspace? That’s right, the morning was committed to my paper clutter. “The time has come,” the walrus said, “to talk of many things: Of shoes and ships – and sealing wax – of cabbages and kings”. It was time for me to dispense with my excuses and deal with my dreads but must-to-dos.
So much of my life seems to be wrapped up in paperwork – in triplicates. I hang on to every copy, every bits of paper, afraid I will lose something of great importance. Even though we have the internet, emails and e-statements, they still have to be opened, read, filed or deleted. So far I haven’t mastered the ins and outs of keeping on top of the real or virtual paper stuff.
There’s no better time than the present to work on it. First thing first. I dealt with the 2 letters that came yesterday. One needed a phone call to clear up. The next was regarding the house insurance due August 15th. I need some information back from my broker before making payment. It can wait. Then it was reconciling my receipts with my credit cards statement. That accomplieshed, I went on to phone to the telephone company to change my method of payment. Last was setting up online banking for an account set up 3 years ago. I have been such a procrastinator.
paperI still have much to stuff to sort through. I will not waste time trying to understand why or how I got this way. I have pondered upon all these many times before. Instead, I will handle and deal with the mail, real and virtual, daily. I have said this many times before. I know I could lapse. It is something that I will have to work at again and again. It’s like the dishes, meditation and other things. Some things are tedious and boring but they still need tending. It’s like the weeds in the garden, brushing teeth morning and night, dressing in the morning, going to the gym….
I’ve never ever found an optimum time for doing anything or an easy time for starting something. Truth be told, I’m a daydreamer, a doodler, lounger, wistful thinker. In short I’m a procrastinator, trying to hold life at bay. What is this fear of starting and living?, I ask myself. I have no clue, no inkling of an idea but just this physical discomfort of not wanting to commit. Laugh if you will but we all know that he who laughs first, laughs last. I am sure you have that procrastinator in you, too. Only you haven’t recognized yourself in the mirror.
I see myself as molasses in winter mode. It is cool this morning. I see my little cucumber plants shivering in the raised bed in the front yard. First the heat. Now the chill. I hope they make it. I’ve never had much luck with them except for one year. Now that’s something to aim for. Something to get my juices flowing and off my butt. It takes patience and persistence to succeed at anything. My cyclamen is such a testament. I gave it the attention it needed. I don’t have a steady supply of that either. It comes in sporatic spurts. I’m not good when the going gets tough. Sometimes I abandon ship. Now that’s another thing to work on.
It’s another morning. I’ve clearly abandoned ship yesterday before finishing this conversation. I’m going through a spell. I’m lacking motivation. Nothing turns me on but I’m working on it. I feel as if I can’t even get myself out of a wet paper bag. Sometimes I just have to put in the effort as if I do love it, whether I feel it or not. That’s life. What is it that gets you up and going? What are your secrets for joie de vivre? What keeps you on the job till it’s finished?
I’m sipping on my cuppa, my favourite diversion for not doing. I’m glued to my chair but at least I am flexing my fingers, tapping on the keyboard. I’m trying to stay awake, thinking of how to overcome my inertia, how not to feel overwhelmed about our climate crisis. What else can I do not to contribute to the carbon footprint? How can I get outside of myself to help the world I live in. These are some of my thoughts on this sunny cool June morning. Perhaps I can bake some rhubarb crisp to warm up. I’ve been making rhubarb sour cream muffins the last 2 days but I’ve run out of sour cream.
April 3. I’m plodding along like Big Foot, dragging a heavy load. Life feels heavy. I’m trying to do my paper work. It’s an agonizing chore for me. I’ve got the bills paid but I’m not good at all dealing with sorting, discarding, and filing things away. Income tax return is due at the end of the month. My head feels like it’s full of nettles. I want to bang it on the desk. Ugh! But I shall bear the pain and breathe through it. Tomorrow is another day.
How many times have I utter that phrase? Probably more than Scarlett O’hara. I better snap out of my smart remarks, get a grip, sit down and devise a workable system of dealing with my paper stuff. How much time and energy have I wasted letting things pile up again and again? Probably tons. Each time I have to dig around to find and figure out where, when and what had happened. I have a log book where I keep track of my bill payments each month. It’s working well. I’m seldom late. Perhaps I should keep a log of my other activities such as health appointments, meetings with the banker, etc. At least it would be contained in one place. I would not be hunting for scraps of paper each time.
Then there’s my tendency to toss things on the diningroom table. I never open the mail right away. If I do, I seldom deal with it then. I leave everything till – whenever. I have to cut that out. I have to deal with things right away or it doesn’t get done. I have to train my brain to do it even if it is uncomfortable. Egad! I have had enough now. Tomorrow is another day.
We’re 2 days away from Winter Solstice – the shortest day of the year. It looks like we are getting 7.5 – 8 hours of daylight. It’s still dark as can be now but I am rethinking, rebooting my brain not to dwell on the dark. I don’t want to waste time where things don’t work or get better. You know that drill – the insanity of wanting a different outcome but you keep doing the same thing over and over. No more! I declare again.
I started Unravelling Your(my) Year 2019 this morning. I have chosen my word for this year. It is TIMELY as I am such a procrastinator. I had printed out the workbook for Unravelling Your Year for over a week already. It’s time I start work on it or it’s going to sit on the dining table till next December. Delving into and looking back at where I’ve been the past year hopefully will unlock some doors as to what went wrong and what was beneficial. It’s a post morten of the year so I will not repeat mistakes. Having a word for the year will guide and push me along.
As you can see, I come here whenever I have some time and something to say. It’s a tabata workout for my body and soul. It’s working very well for me. I spend blocks of time, short, shorter or longer here, dependent on how I am or what I have to say. I don’t sit for hours, agonizing over anything. When I feel the agony approaching, I get up and do something else. Change my posture, change my thinking and feelings.
My word, TIMELY, evolved from a fellow blogger asking what is my favourite tip for decluttering. I don’t know if it’s my favourite, but I think it is the most effective – doing things in a timely manner. Dealing with things right away shortens the time that I have to agonize over the clutter/problem. They don’t have time to pile up and snow me under. I haven’t been too successful at it but it is a wee bit better now than in years gone by. My laundry basket is a testament to my failures. It still contains clean washed clothes from my working days. I’ve been retired 5 years now.
I no longer use that basket. The laundry comes off/out of the line/dryer, gets folded and put away. But I haven’t cleared/emptied the basket either. Having chosen TIMELY as THE word for the year have paid dividends already. It got me washing the bathroom floor yesterday. It’s a very small space so why do I hate and feel it’s so hard? I’ve decided that it is unnecessary to understand the whys of everything and just tend to the task at hand. Repeated exposion to doing the hated thing hopefully will desensitize me to the hate.
Here’s to me trying override myself using Sark’s Micromovement Magic Method. It’s nothing new. I’ve been using it. It helps that she’s given it a name and made it into a booklet form. Something written with colourful steps makes it concrete and magical. You can download it for free.
The magic lies in starting. It’s the alchemy moment. Once you start, the rest will follow. I heard that phrase in a yoga video. The instructor said, Bring one knee to your chest and the other one will follow. The sentence has played in my head many times when I am having difficult moments. I’m playing it this morning. So many yukking things weighing me down. Yup, they are not difficult but unpleasant for me to deal with. I don’t quite understand the ‘unpleasantness’. It’s the procrastination that is unpleasant, the feeling of I should do it but I don’t want to. I’m transferring that remembered unpleasant feeling to everything I do. It’s become a bad habit.
My indecisiveness causes much unnecessary grief. There are so many things to agonize over. Most of the time they are not really worth it. For instance the recall of my car for faulty passenger airbag. What was hard about that? All I had to do is make an appointment and take the car in. They give me a ride back and forth. I don’t even have to pay. It’s not difficult now that It’s dealt with. But when I got the notice, I shovelled it under more paper. It’s my normal reaction – to be handle LATER. Ugh!
I’m trying to undo/override my habitual self in micromoments of 5 minutes at a time. I can make one dreaded phone call in 5 minutes. I can pay one bill in another 5 minutes. I can stew about a problem and options for 5 minutes and take another 5 to make a decision. Why don’t I take 5 and shed some remembered icky feeling and develop some delicious one to fill its place? Why don’t I….? Why don’t I….?
Some days I don’t want to show up – anywhere, for anyone or anything. I think there are others feeling the same as me. I did showed up for my step aerobics class this morning. Some didn’t. I used to envy the kids with their summer camps at the YWCA. I wished that there was one for us adults. I liked to be led, entertained, fed and have all my needs looked after. Then I realized that is what is called an all inclusive vacation. I decided that is not what I want after all.
I am feeling better though I felt doubtful on rising. But all things do pass as they say. Put sick/flu/yucky out of your head! I tell myself. It worked. I put my mind towards feeling well. My body didn’t feel as heavy. My gait was lighter. I didn’t push myself to work at a 9/10 but I kept moving steadily. I worked up a sweat. It’s good not to whine though I feel like whining now. I do it silently, to myself.
You wouldn’t think I have anything to whine about. It’s warm and sunny. It got up to +1 degrees C for a little while. The snow is melting fast. The streets are a little messier, baring dog poop lazy dog owners didn’t pick up. Really disgusting and no excuse! I wonder if they bother wiping their kids’ bums after doing their business. Yes, I am a bit touchy. I wouldn’t say stuff like that anywhere but here. This is my domain, my safe haven.
I’m learning that if I want to get anything done, I shouldn’t pick up a thriller. If I get hooked, I can’t put it down. I read the book that got a whole bunch of bad reviews in two days. I couldn’t get into the book that did get lots of good ones. It’s back in the library now. Different strokes for different folks.
I feel like I’m chattering about nothing. I probably am – avoiding, procrastinating and all that. It’s not a bad thing. It gives me time to let things sit for awhile until I’m comfortable facing/dealing/or whatever that I need to do. Not everything is an emergency, you know.
It’s one thing to talk about getting real but another to do it. I was readily led off into cyberspace first thing this morning. I was off again chasing others’ lives rather than my own. But it’s out of the way now (I hope). I’ll work on getting back into my own now.
The morning is as gloomy as can be. I’ll try to rise above my inertia and shine this little light of mine. I can’t sit and count others to do it for me. It has never happened. Why would it now? I better sit up and polish up my stars so they can twinkle and light up my world. I’ve folded up some laundry and a load is in the washer. Some ripe tomatoes are sorted, washed, bagged and in the freezer. The heavy traffic floors are vacuumed. I’m sipping my second cup of tea here, tapping out my thoughts and progress.
What I know for sure is it is difficult to be in the here and now. Seems like my natural inclination to drift anywhere but here. It feels uncomfortable to deal with whatever it is in front of me. I can’t quite understand it but that’s the thing. I don’t know about you, but I push it (whatever it is) aside, behind me – in avoidance. Not that it helps. I still have that uncomfortable, nagging, dreading feeling all the while.
I’m beginning to think all these feelings of avoidance and dread come from the habit of avoidance. It’s a well worn groove now and I need some muscle power to boost myself out. I’ve been spinning and spinning, tap and tapping about it all this time. I fall back in time after time. I need to tell a new story. I need new and better habits. I just have to start with one – now.