FALLING IN LOVE and FIRED UP

I have not done well at all. I am sorely disappointed in myself. I am still stuck in all my bad habits, all my clutter and procrastination. I am reluctant to move, change and get rid of anything, even worries. There’s a certain security that I feel in being stagnant even though it causes a gnawing discomfort. Being disgusted with oneself is not such a bad thing. It moved me to pick up my phone and make the needed appointment to get my car serviced. It was as hard as the medical and dental checkups and the call to the plumber. And it is hard to come to this space, too. I’ve fallen out of the habit.

The above words were written more than a few days ago. Bad habits like procrastination are hard to overcome. Wishing does not do the trick. I have to physically do the work. I had fallen back in love with words reading Geneen Roth’s cancer chronicles. I thought it would do the trick in bringing me back here. I thought I could write my own chronicles. I was fired up for a few short moments. I didn’t act on it and the momentum died. That is the thing – I have to take advantage of those falling in love and fired up moments. I needed to put my ass in the chair in front of the keyboard. I’m here finally, not exactly fired up, but my fingers are tapping away.

That dreaded car service appointment turned out quite beneign. There was no Oh, my God! at the end. I took advantage of being out to be out and about while waiting. The guy and I took a trip out to Chief Whitecap Park (Furdale Dog Park) for a walk in nature. It was Sheba’s old haunt in her younger years. I took her there every day I was off from work to run off some of her energy. It is full of beauty and memories. Sheba is gone now but she is with me always, trotting at my side. I feel her presence vividly along the trails, on the beach and the hill sides. On the way back, we stopped at Hue’s Art Supplies to view Degen Linder’s works in the gallery. It was a day well spent. I have fallen back in love with the doing and seeing in the physical world. It’s good to get out of my head.

SEIZE THE DAY

It is day 2 of the Ultimate Blog Challenge. I better seize the momentum of this newness to get going. I was going to reward myself after writing this post, but I failed the delayed gratification test. I already had my bowl of frozen maple walnut yogurt. It’s hot and I’m sweaty from freezing peas, doing the lunch dishes and watering part of the garden with the grey water. It’s a bit of a chore but well worth my effort. I didn’t realize how much grey water we let go down the drain until I started collecting it. I collect mostly just from washing lunch dishes. It can get labour intensive. I don’t have enough energy and stamina to do more. I have to be prudent with my resources.

Morning seem to be my most energetic self this summer. I try not to squander it away by being slothful and grumpy. I got myself off to an early start by booking an 8 am swim. Life is easier with commitments. Without, I am lost and adrift in the sea of freedom. Today I am rewarded with the pool all to myself. My grumpiness and frown are smoothed away in the water of the pool. There’s no worry of being too slow and having my toes grabbed from behind. I luxuriated in the peace and aloneness of just me and the life guard.

I love these mornings when I can get off to a good start. I can have them every day. It’s really up to me to make it happen. I had time to reflect on how as I swam up and down the lengths of the pool. I can choose to do the things I love, think the thoughts that build me up, spend time with positive people and those who are truly friends. I do have choices and control of many things that affect my well being. Now that I am more cognizant I can do better. I know I am not as grumpy as I used to be. I must be heading in the right direction.

The time after my morning swim is also perfect for heading to our community garden to weed, harvest and water. I am cooled and relaxed, ready to withstand the summer heat. And mornings are generally a bit cooler. It is wonderful to see all the greens of our efforts in the bright summer sun. It is not work but therapy for a gardener’s soul. Since it is a community garden I am happy and honoured to help another gardener water her plot. To be of service to another also adds to my well being. In return she has given me seedlings and apple sauce. Relationships is about reciprocity. Here are some of our happy plots.

MOMENTUM – THROW GARBAGE OFF THE TRAIN

It’s almost afternoon on day 3 of the new year and the Ultimate Blog Challenge. Already and still, I’m feeling the weight from the year past. My old self with my old attitudes are making their presence known. I feel crabby, mean and ugly. I’m like a leaky balloon losing hot air. I have no stamina, no power. I’m losing momentum, my wheels slowly grinding to a screeching halt. No more clickety clack. It’s chug, chug, screeeeech!

I’m no damn good, carrying this stuff around, feeling all this guilt. It’s too soon. Counting today, I have 28 more day to go. I have to lighten my load. I have to toss the garbage off the train. I have to save my fuel consumption, build my reserve, live and write smarter. What I don’t need is to carry other people’s stuff. So toss those out first. I remind myself that it’s not the people I’m tossing, it’s their stuff. It’s their business, not mine.

I have such a permeable skin. I absorb everyones’ woes and miseries as if they were my own. I need to develop a thicker skin. I have to learn not to take things so personally. Too bad I don’t feel their joy the same way. Instead, what I feel then is envy and jealousy. I am such a bad person. What a thing to confess, eh? I’m like George Washington. I can’t tell a lie. I’m brutally honest and not proud of it. I’m laying out all the facts in black and white so I can see myself clearly. So that I can accept what is here, what I have to work with. Do I have a full deck to work with?

It’s time to take a break, let go a little, loosen my grip and play a little. No need to be like a dog with a bone.

 

 

BEGINNINGS AND RE-STARTS

Beginnings and re-starts are hard. I had a week’s hiatus from my exercise class between Christmas and New Year. After New Year, I made it two weeks. It’s good to take a break, I tell myself. Saturdays are my swim day. Well, I couldn’t make myself go yesterday. Today was almost the same. My rationale was I might as well start things back on Monday. I’m familiar with that slippery slope. It could prove too slippery to get back up. I bit the bullet, enticing myself with lunch at the mall after the swim. The fabric store there is having a sale. Everything 50% off. That worked. I’ve scaled the slope. I’m back in the groove. The swim boosted my mood and soothed the aches and pains.

I have to keep these things in mind. It’s easy to stop but difficult to pick up again. I’m like an addict falling off the wagon. I’ve swam and gone to the aerobic class long enough now that I have the ‘feel good’ memory in my body. Even with that, I still needed that extra oomph to get going again. As long my engine can still chug-a-lug, it’s wise to keep the  momentum of carrying out the challenges I’ve set out for January as best I could.

It does make my days full. There are times when I do yearn for more time doing nothing. It’s such a paradox because I find that I can’t just sit, doing nothing. Maybe it’s a good sign just to yearn for nothing times.  It shows that I am not bored. I could do some creative brainstorming to see what I want and what works best for me. I am conducting an informal study of doing one thing at a time, not multi-tasking. By informal, I mean just with myself. I’m not charting data or anything like that. I’m noting how that affects my moods and how I function. Perhaps I should keep notes.

I have found that by breaking up a task into smaller parts makes it easier to do. No brainer, eh?  I apply it to writing here. Everything is easier once I make a start. If I get stuck, I get up and do something else like vacuuming the kitchen. I do the same with painting. I would prep a canvas with gesso and let it dry. I go and do some other thing. I come back and do the grounding. And so on and on. Amazing things happen. My post gets written. A painting gets painted. Sometimes it takes a week or so. Hey, it’s a work of art. I give it more time. The best – the house gets cleaned more often. Dog hair gets under my skin.

 

LASSITUDE – day 261 in a year of…

Day 261, April 15, 2017 @2:48 pm

Lassitude is painful and difficult to overcome, especially if the dog is barking incessantly at you. My brain is already foggy and spongy like a swamp. Her noise adds another layer of mud to it. I had to bribe her with a chew.

I am trying to get back to my words. Not trying to recover lost ground but to start from where I am. Today is day 261 of my year of doing different. I have been absent here for 21 days. Life happens. I’ve been busy. I’m trying to be flexible. I have so many reasons and excuses. The thing is I haven’t shown up here though I’ve been marking my journey on Instagram. If you are still following my year, you can still find me here on the Instagram sidebar.

My year has been full of ruts and repetitive errors. Change is difficult, even in thinking. It is most difficult in thinking because if we could think different, we could do different. With 100 days in the year, I’m paying more attention, putting a little more oomph into the push. I know I am changing, getting stronger bit by bit. I’ve pushed through some of my lassitude today, finishing some started projects. The trick is to set the intention and to do it now. That was what I did this morning. Instead of sitting and brooding, feeling my fatigue, I descended the stairs to my workspace. And here she is, my Petite Fille, almost finished.

A small success can give me a ray of sunshine on a cloudy day. It can give me some momentum to take the laundry down, fold and put them away. And now to do the dishes.

MAINTENANCE – Day 23 in a year of….

Day 23, August 14, 2016 @4:25

I do wonder each day if I could make it back to this place.  If I do, would I have anything to say?  I’m here.

It’s easy to get excited about projects and resolutions.  The trick is maintaining the enthusiasm and momentum.  Without them, you could come to a full stop like the billiard ball just before the drop into the pocket.  What is desirable is the domino effect – showing up day after day, no matter what. Some days are better than others.

I try to maintain if unable to advance for the day.  I try not slide off the mountain.  It’s a long ways down and longer to climb back.  I try not to analyze too much.  I do wonder sometimes why it’s such an effort to pick up something dropped.  Why is it easier to walk around it?  Now I stand and agonize for minutes and pick it up.  I do it for other hard-to-do things.  It’s a lazy brain thing.  I am sure I will have many minutes of agony before my brain can see it’s not hard.  No pain, no gain.  Is that true?

Showing up is agony sometimes. But I want to change the agony to ecstasy. I’m not a sucker for pain.  Onward we go! My half sweater parts are unravelled. I have found a pattern book.  I’m ready to knit my life back up again.  Are you ready?

Till tomorrow.

 

 

MY BIG PUSH OFF

This morning I set my priority to practice my cycling.  From a class last week I had learned that it is in the push off.  Push and glide.  Push and glide.  The momentum keeps me upright.  I don’t fall.  I push off, glide and rise to sit on the seat.  I do not have to do all three all at once.  I can not.  That is why I fall.  I have time.  It is amazing what directions and a few pointers can do for you.

I have time.  In the same fashion, I am learning to stop and get off a bike without crashing and falling to the ground like I usually do if I don’t have a curb handy.  I have time to brake, stop, and get off the bike.  I don’t have to do all three at the same time.  I cannot do it all at once.  That is why I crash and fall.  How amazing is that?

I have time.  This is my big life lesson from riding a bicycle.  I am doing my big push off in a different direction.  The momentum will keep me upright.  I have time.  I can glide.  There is no rush.  I can do one thing at a time.  I do not have to charge forward blindly, angrily, or in fear.  I will not fall.  I have support.  I am in good company.