LET NOTHING DISTURB YOU

January 6, day 6 of the Ultimate Blog Challenge. It helps me to count out the days. It’s day 5 of the Positivity Challenge. Today’s assignment is to buy myself some flowers and if I can’t, paint some. It is another bitterly cold day. My tire pressures are on the low side despite being pumped up the other day. I rather not chance driving to the store and have a flat. I am too tired to take up the paint brush. And really I have many blooms already, live, painted and sewn. I do appreciate them. It is not necessary at all for me to do anything else but to give them my loving gaze and share them here.

I was going to reflect more on the pandemic and talk about what I learned about myself during this entire experience for my Unravel My Year workbook. I am not going to do that today. Nor am I going to make a pie crust. My excuse is mental and physical exhaustion. Too much news and talk about Covid. I’m up to my eyebrows with it. So no pandemic reflections today. The bitter cold is tiring physically. I woke up to -37℃ this morning. I felt it during the night, waking up 2-3 times before morning. Even though I was warm with enough covers, my body knew. Caroline Myss is right, we are all connected. What is in one is in the whole. I am in the universe and the universe is in me.

She is one of the people that I admire and go to for advice/information/instruction. I don’t know her personally. When I talk about seeking her out, I mean seeking out her teachings in books and online classes. She has many free resources on her website as well as on YouTube. I have bought a few of her books and online classes. I love her talks on Saint Teresa of Avila. I find so much comfort in St. Teresa’s prayer. These few words have the power to calm and sooth me. It’s a good way to close this post and day.

Let nothing disturb you,Let nothing frighten you,All things are passing away:God never changes.Patience obtains all thingsWhoever has God lacks nothing;God alone suffices.

INSIDE AND OUTSIDE

Tuesday, March 16th. There was a dip in temperature overnight. I slept in till 7:30. The ground and air looked frosty. It was -9℃. I checked the greenhouse temperature. It was .3℃. Then it dipped to .2℃ momentarily close to 8 am. Funny how it does that every morning before it rises again. Now it is 10:15 am. The greenhouse is 8℃ while the outside temperature is -6℃. Tomorrow’s forecast is for high of 5, then 9, 13, 11 for the following days. I hope that the temperature will stay stable without extreme dips and climbs. But that’s being hopeful. Still, I wish it.

I’m feeling somewhat like the weather. It is true what Caroline Myss says, “And as it happens on the outside world,  it impacts what happens in our inside world – because we’re part of these events. We’re the engine of these events.” I’ve been listening and reading her words and others for years now. I’ve taken a vacation away from all that during this Covid time. I needed the silence and time to listen to myself. Now perhaps I can venture back. I will find time to watch this episode of her new Reflections series.

FORGIVENESS AND GETTING THERE

I’m on the last 4 days of this writing journey/challenge. I must forge ahead. I’m almost there. But where is there? I’m remembering a quote that Meister Eckhart had supposedly said. When you get there, you find that there is no there. What and where to then?

Today is a good day to ponder on such things. I’m home alone with Sheba. I have succumbed to the cold bug after putting up much resistence. I don’t feel terribly sick but my chest is sore from coughing. I hesitate to put myself out there, not wanting to infect others. I worry about getting some flack from people about not getting the flu shot. I worry about being Chinese and the coronavirus connection. Perhaps I’m being a little over dramatic but it’s a good day to stay put and drink tea.

The cloudy day is not helpful in dispelling my paranoia. Yesterday I found a dead frozen mouse in the yard. At first I thought it was Sheba’s poop. It was an odd shape and not in her usual spot. On close examination, I saw a long tail and little pink feet all curled up. It gave me the shudders doing a bag pickup. It occurred to me that the troublesome woman next door could have put it there. It was where I couldn’t miss it. She blames her mice problems in her garage on our compost bins. Her garage happens to be full of food products.

I’m trying to let these and other liked thoughts go. I’m listening to Caroline Myss again. Some things are not easy to grasp but some are. Even so, understanding and incorporating them into practice can be difficult. It’s a given that Jesus, the Buddha and other higher beings are about love and forgiveness. But to turn my other cheek can be tough for me to do. That’s what my mother teaches, too. I haven’t succeeded yet, though I am getting a deeper understanding of what forgiveness is.

As Caroline Myss puts it, sometimes there is no reason or explanation to things. Why they happen to us. Why people do what they do AND to us. We are all capable of feeling the same hurt, anger, rage, betrayal, humiliation, etc. We all have the desire for revenge, getting even, getting the other person to say sorry, they were wrong. Jesus experienced all that and died on the cross, a lesson in forgiveness. Forgiveness is not saying that whatever done is ok. But it is the destroying your appetite for destroying someone else. Even though the other person has the same appetite, you’ve turned your cheek and the spell is broken. I am finally turning my other cheek. I am no longer demanding a debt to be paid.

Wow, I’m super serious today! I am a very serious woman. However, I do have a streak for fun somewhere in me. Let me see if I can find it to take us out of day 28. Oops, I seemed to have wandered off my intended words. Well, tomorrow then.

 

 

DIVINE TRUTHS AND HOLY CHOICES

The significant question of the day: What does my soul tell me are Divine truths and am I living in harmony with all that I know to be holy truths.

Today is the 5th and final day of my personal online spiritual retreat with Caroline Myss. There’s two more classroom sessions tomorrow and the next day. We were instructed to arrive with no expectations. I had none. At this very moment I can’t really articulate what it is that I have learned or achieved. Wait, I do have one observation. I see or I now admit that all my chaos and distractions have been for the avoidance of facing/answering the difficult questions/situations/truths.

I am sure I am not alone in all of this. It is difficult to face our mortality. It is not death itself that I am afraid of. It is the journey, the process. How will I be able to cope with my mother’s leaving? That has been a possibility the winter before last. I felt as if I had died a thousand deaths of fright that time. It’s only when I accepted that possibility, that the fright passed. It’s much like falling off a tall building. I accepted that I was falling. I could land with a thud. I didn’t. It was a soft landing. My mother proved to be a tough cookie and is holding her own.

I hope I am stronger for the next round. I feel I am. I am standing tall, trying to face the truths of this life. They are the same for everyone. We are born, we live and we die. There’s no getting around that. But I do believe in a force greater than ourselves. I draw my strength from that. I’m feeling my ancestors blood in me. I’m hearing my grandmother’s voice. There is a Tian/heaven, she cried when she was imprisoned by the Communist in China. My grandmother survived having to kneel on gravel, having cold water poured over her head and people throw angry words and stones at her. I come from good stock.

I know right and wrong. I have always tried to walk the higher path. I am not sure that I have always succeeded. It is difficult to make the hard choices but I do. It is my nature. I cannot do otherwise. How else would I know if it’s worth it if I don’t make those choices?Life is hard. I suffer for it. We all suffer. What would life be without a hitch? It would be a big yawn, would it not?

I’m not sure if I had answered the question of the day. But it is more than enough for now.

 

 

 

BREATHING AS ONE

It’s no exaggeration that this is a very difficult summer for me. Admitting it helps me to navigate it better. It prevents me from overextending myself and setting unrealistic goals. I’ve been waylaid by a summer cold for a month. I’m on the upswing though a bothersome cough pops up now and again. My energy is coming back now that the heat wave have abated. It’s replaced by clouds, rain and cool temperatures. Not all that great either but those are the things out of my control. I do the best with what I have.

I really have nothing to complain about. I am not complaining. My life is not hard at all, not after watching the segment about the new program of end of life care to the homeless in Toronto. What is this thing call life about when a homeless 23 year old woman dies 2 days after entering hospice care? There are so many things we I rather not think about or see – like the homeless and end of life care for LGBT seniors.

So though most news is not good news, I need to get my head out of the sand. It’s time to come up for air, look around and see what’s happening in the world. What can I do? How can I help? We are all connected after all. We, along with every living thing on this planet breathe as one. What happens to one, happens to all. Yes, I’m quoting Caroline Myss, my spiritual compass. She does not mince words. She speaks the truth. I’m seeing and agreeing with her that truth is the most important element.

Being congruent is about truths. It is when your truths are the same coming from your head AND heart. It took me a long time to understand that. Now I get it. It’s slippery. Sometimes it slips away and I have to find it again. That’s with almost everything. Boy, am I no fun or what? Such seriousness but that’s who I am. At least I’ve sidetracked myself from myself and my summer woes – for a little while. Tomorrow is another day. Now for a cup of tumeric tea.

LAYING GHOSTS TO REST

It is the latest I’ve come to this space yet. I had considered not showing up at all but things  are niggling in the recesses of my mind. I don’t want them there at this hour to linger and cause wakefulness through the night. I want to chase them out onto the page. I can’t really identify their identities. Maybe the exercise of tapping on the keys will chase them out. I have a sense they are the ghosts that used to haunt me in my dreams. They are not welcomed back.

I have been learning so much valuable insight from Caroline Myss’ videos on her workshop on Understanding Your Own Power. I see how I have been losing my own personal power. It’s such a simple thing when you see. It’s a whole bunch of lightbulbs lighting up. Bing! Bing! Bing! I can’t really articulate it. I’ve been into the wine again. One glass will do it. Besides, I do not want to articulate it. It’s for me to understand. It is for everyone else to understand it for themselves. But here’s 4 questions that she posed to work on to help you.

  1. Name 3 ways you are influenced by the outside world but which you don’t want it to.
  2. Name 3 people who have too much influence over you and you don’t want them to.
  3. Name 3 people you influence too much.
  4. Name the beliefs that you have and nurture even if you know that they are not true.

I will ponder and work on these questions tomorrow. My ghosts are laid to rest. No worms or other things niggling in my head. I can sleep tonight.

STICKING MY HEAD IN THE TOILET

It’s 10:30 in the morning. Already my mind is frazzled, splintered into little pieces here and there. My thoughts are darting everywhere, trying to synchronize my day, my life. Many what ifs are popping into my awareness. I recogize that I’m catastrophizing. I’m tapping to put a stop to the flow.concentrating.on.one.word.at.a.time. I’m not giving it space to grow.

The sun is casting its cool weak beams over the dreariness of our landscape. A scatter of fine snow made a brief appearance. It is a late spring. I’m slowly tending to my seedlings. The rest of the kohlrabi are transplanted. I’m starting on the broccoli. The tomatoes, peppers, cukes, squash and the petunias are growing like weeds. They don’t make too much demands – just a little water and maybe a touch of 20-20-20 fertilizer now and then. As to what kind of spring and summer we will have, it is out of my control. I will adjust as best as I can. There is no point in hoping. Hoping without doing is useless.

My mind is less chaotic, slowing down with each tap and a sip of tea in between. I breathe, sip, and tap. I will stop my flow of thoughts now and listen to a bit of Caroline Myss. I’ll let her whip me into shape. She’ll tell me to stop and put my head in the toilet for 7 minutes. That’ll cool it off.

Hooray, I’m back, calmer and cooler! I’ve had lunch, too. That helps alot, especially since it’s leftover turkey. Turkey is supposed to contains lots of tryptophan which in turn boosts your serotonin level to make you happy. I hear that it’s a myth, but I still like to believe it. I have my present mood as a proof. Doing things one at a time also slows my frenetic brain. I’m learning to respect my body and mind. I can’t take on many tasks, issues, activities, people. The list goes on and on. I’m made to live a small life, a life on an index card,  in a one-inch frame, a life in the present moment. I am happy with that. It fills my plate.

MY MAGIC CARPET

I’m trying to get my ass in gear but it’s feeling mighty heavy today. It doesn’t help that I pulled or twisted something in my lower back this morning. I was simply moving my sewing table into a better spot. The table had wheels so it wasn’t even heavy nor the move strenuous. But my back went an oh-oh. It passed fairly quickly but remains a dull ache. Life is never pain free. Now, I have to google for stretches for the lower back.

It’s snowing again, just when our solar panels are cleared and making electricity. This late March snow is wearing on my one nerve that is left. Sheba and I have just come back from our walk. Yesterday’s slush have frozen into hard crusty bumpy ice. I did not enjoy an inch of the walk. And we did inched along, my footsteps heavy as lead. Nothing fun about nature today. Am I complaining? You bettcha. Having a bad mood day but I’m not throwing it around. I’m keeping it here on the page.

I had time this morning to watch a small segment of Caroline Myss’ video on Self Esteem and the Power of Your Choices. I agree with her that words are magic carpets. They are transformative. That is why I return here, to my space, to tap out the words, to dig out the magic/solutions. It’s one way for me to be in the present moment, to sit here with my mind focused to this moment. It creates space for silence and rest for my busy wandering mind. I let go of the daily chatter. I hear the tap, tap of the keys. It is soothing. I feel my shoulders relaxing and dropping. The ache in my lower back is easing. My forehead unfurls. I am emptied of my striving and fussing.

Another cup of tea and some toast and jam and I will feel replenished and ready for moving and doing again.

 

S IS FOR STUDENT AND SATURDAY

It’s Saturday, my favourite day of the week. It is sunny and warm , -1 Celsius at the moment. Maybe now the warmer temperatures will prevail.  2018 is the most difficult February I have experienced in a long while. Even being sunny and warm, I feels at odds with the day. I nixed swimming this morning, choosing not to doubt my lack of well being. Sheba is feeling the same. She is behaving out of character, choosing to lay out in the snow by herself for long periods. It could be that she’s miffed at me for cleaning her ears. Or else she’s got spring fever.

It was worrisome that I couldn’t entice her in with a treat. But she looked relaxed. She is smart. She knows how to get back in. It’s nice to have some quiet time without her barking and fussing for attention. I can watch and listen to Caroline Myss. It has been difficult to find the time and the quiet. Today I’m watching the workshop on Self Esteem and the Power of Your Choices recorded in Sedonia, Arizona last February. She is such a good teacher. How serendipitous that she is coming out of a bad cold then as many of us here, including myself (though not so bad) are now.

I feel at times embarrassed that I am so enthused of her teachings.They resonate with me. I have been listening to her for a long time. Today, I really understood the meaning of archetypes and their animation. I love learning – especially about life. I can’t help being a student. That archetype is in and alive in me. I can’t stop myself from listening to spiritual teachers. It is the same with the artist archetype in me. I’ve been talking about it for many, many years but have done nothing about it until now . The artist have finally came alive in the past year or so. Sometimes I can’t believe it myself. The paintings just came out of me – on their own it seems. Who am I to argue with them? They wanted to come out. It is their time.

This is a powerful workshop and long consisting of 10 videos, each averaging an hour long. I’ve finished number 3. Now it is almost 6 pm. Time to close for the day. I’m glad that I’ve developed the habit of getting up and showing up – here to tap out my words, feelings, learning and taking Sheba out for her daily walk. Sometimes Often I don’t want to but the established habit/routine enables me to carry through. Today I’ve learned of habits of the heart/soul, Habitus Maximus. They’re the ones that will help me to a congruent person. There’s so much to learn. It is exciting.

 

STARRY, STARRY NIGHT

Another bitterly cold day. It’s a fast brisk poop run for Sheba and me. I wonder where our world is going. In the news, seeing the homeless in Toronto and the starving, sick children in war torn countries bring tears to my eyes. I am sitting warm, fed and in my home with excesses. How can I feel right with all I have? At least it made me feel better about my simple Christmas. It was the right way to celebrate.

I am reminded by Caroline Myss this morning of this special time we are living in. Our world and its myths are changing. We have to change the way we see everything. You have to listen to her speak to understand. It’s beyond my ability to explain. I understand a bit of it. Each time I listen, I understand a little more. I am aware this is an extraordinary time in history. I am in awe. I don’t want to waste it, moping and helpless. I don’t want to look back and regret. Oh, I could/should have done something! If only….

So here I sit, in my special hour, tap, tapping away – for enlightenment, for comfort, for vision. I know that I am in a special time- that space between real and energy time. I am aware that we are multi-sensory. I feel the energy around me. Some people give off a powerful presence when they enter a room/space. You’ve felt that, haven’t you? I have. Maybe it’s their body language or facial expression but it’s like an aura surrounding their body. It’s makes me want to back away or rush forward for an embrace – depending on what they give off.

I have been receiving ping backs for awhile now. A thought, idea, an awareness will suddenly pop right in front of my face. I can almost touch it. The first time that it happened, I went: Oh my goodness! No, I don’t want it to be true. But it was. And I was sad. I’m okay with it now. We all possess this ability. It’s just that some of us are not paying attention. We are not listening and we never will. That line jumped right out of Don McLean’s song, Vincent. Oh, how thoughts weave in and out of my mind!

 

What am I doing if not wasting time, moping and sobbing? It’s really nothing special. I do rave and rant here once in awhile. There is not enough time to mope.  I am slow as a slug. I haven’t caught up to the speed of energy yet. I like to press ENTER like on my computer and things get done. I don’t function that way anymore. No more flash in the pan. Now it’s the slow layers of paint that I put on the canvas, the painstakingly slow learning of stitches, programs, and functions of my new Bernina sewing machine. Otherwise it won’t go. It’s no more speeding down the highways of life. I’m processing. I’ve been rewired and rebooted. I am awake, if only a little.