THOUGHTS CAN KILL

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Here I sit on a Thursday night tapping away on my keyboard. I’m tapping to save my life. I’m what you call a highly sensitive person. I never knew my condition had a name with signs and symptons before. Now I do. It helps to have an explanation and that I am not the only one. There are even articles and books explaining me! I have all the 8 signs according to the article by Arcadian Counseling site. They are:

  • You’re very emotional. …
  • You’re very compassionate and generous. …
  • You’re sensitive to criticism. …
  • You feel different from everyone else and sometimes alone. …
  • You’re sensitive to external stimuli. …
  • You overthink and worry. …
  • You’re intuitive. …

For sure the signs describe me. My thoughts and feelings are very strong. They affect me deeply and not in a good way. My episode with my crazy neighbour is still with me. I like and want to let go but the thoughts and feelings keep reverberating through me. They are strong enough to kill me. I’m not proud that I am such a seemingly petty person. I feel like such a failure letting her get under the skin when I know the only way to deal with such a person is total disengagement. But hey, I am not a machine. I am not foolproof. I am actually a fool in many ways.

I hang on to bad relationships way past the best due date to the point of self-harm. Yes, like someone said I brought it upon myself. She said I was ripe for the picking. She saw that, too and took advantage of my compassion and generosity. It wasn’t the guy she texted late at night about her sad story. It was me. I’m not really doing a show and tell. Really, I’m not. I’m hoping by putting it on the page, I will stop all this tape playing in my head. I do have a jukebox in my head but it’s not playing the right songs now. It’s spewing forth poison and I need an antidote. Have you ever felt this way? Or am I the only one like this after all?

The counseling site does offer some helpful suggestions:

  • See your sensitivity as a positive, not a negative
  • Remember: there is nothing wrong with you and you are not alone
  • As much as possible avoid negative people, places and situations
  • Set firm boundaries with people who take advantage of your compassion and empathy
  • Practice regular self-care through exercise, meditation, and mindfulness
  • Give yourself the same empathy and kindness as you do others

Sometimes I feel there is much wrong with me and I am very alone. It is good to know that there isn’t and that I am not alone. I know I have trouble setting firm boundaries. I’m more compassionate and generous to others than myself. I am quite hard and stingy with myself. Now I wish I hadn’t given away my acoustic guitar. But I had bought myself a Gibson. I thought it good to share some of what I have. It makes me sad and angry that my friend let her grandkids play and it’s destroyed. It was a beautiful instrument. I know. A gift is something without strings attached. Being human, I still regret my decision. For sure the strings are long gone.

So comes the end of this post and evening. Like I said before, it’s not a show and tell or blaming. I’m trying to save my life, working on letting go. Am I being dramatic? Life is hard. I do the work every day. I slipped and let someone trip me up. I allowed her to do it to me. There’s the rub that’s hard to erase. My anger is more towards myself than anyone else. Ultimately we responsible for what we bring to ourselves. I accept my part in it. My huge lesson learned. Now I hope I can find peace and sleep. tonight.

About hafong

Hello! My name is (Leung) Hafong alias Lily Leung. You always say the last name first….that is the Chinese way. That is my partner lurking behind me. Since this is my blog, I won’t mention his name. But this is a rather cool picture. You see me and yet you don’t…sort of the way I feel about myself most of my life. So this blog is a self-exploration, an archeology dig of some sort. My tools…..words of a thousand or so at a sitting. I will try for that.
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