THE GRACE OF ENDURANCE

Difficult times can bring out the best in people but in cases like myself, it brings out the worse. I’m full of anger and resentment. I would like to be in a demolition derby. I would like to crash and destroy anything and everything that comes into my path. I thought it would be best it I release that energy here. My vehicle is the keyboard, my weapons only words.

According to my muse, Caroline Myss, words are powerful. I shall pay heed and not search and destroy. I shall try not to burn all the bridges behind me. This is my crossing the Rubicon moment. I breathe, raise my sword and tap, tap, tap on the keyboard. “Alea iacta est”! The die is cast. What is said cannot be unsaid. What is done cannot be undone. What has lived cannot be unlived. But regrets and disappointments I have many. My soul cries in agony over them.

But what is suffering without a voice? Whoever made that rule that we must do it in silence? And how do we know we will be rewarded in heaven for doing so? Who will know and give us comfort if we don’t show and tell? The world is amuck, wouldn’t you agree. We are all in lockdown. We did it to ourselves. We are behaving like the animals that we are – panicing and hoarding toilet paper over the coronavirus pandemic. Then we need politicians to warn us not to take advantage of vulnerable and senior citizens in these times. Then there’s the opposite side where people are not taking the coronavirus thing seriously. They are still gathering in large groups. I guess they haven’t heard of what happened in Wuhan, Italy or Spain. How do we really know it’s for real? Maybe it’s just a movie on TV. Maybe we’re all on Netflix in the movie Contagion.

I think I’m suffering what is called depression. I’m sounding like Alex Trebek on Jeopardy.  No,I’m not depressed. I’m really just stressed and mad as hell. I’m venting my anger in a place where it will cause the least damage. And I’m as sad as can be. The tears are dammed behind my throat. I’m letting things hang out now. I’m not trying to be positive. I’m not sugar coating myself. I am not myself. I cannot pretend to be Wonder Woman anymore with her golden lasso. I cannot fix anything.

Do not worry over the state of my mental health. I am venting, releasing steam. I do not want to blow a gasket. This is my safety valve. I know we are now all in this space together. This is just the beginning and not the end. I am not in fear or distress over the COVID -19 pandemic at this moment. Rather I am in my own private fear and anxiety over my mother’s ordeal with shingles – her pain, vision and enduring the side effects of her medications. It is as if we are still connected by the umbilical cord. I feel all her sufferings.

Things started innocent enough on Feb. 8th. You get the diagnosis. You get the treatment. But it is not that simple. One thing leads to another. Pain persists through out relieved somewhat by meds. Now it is March 26th and eye complication.  Another week of her antivirals 3times/day to endure before she can cut down to smaller dose once/day for another month. The good news is she has recovered most of her vision in her eye.

I’m calling out for prayers to help her endure and tolerate another week of her medications. I’m asking for prayers for myself to be strong and endure to help her through this. Maybe after this, I can afford to panic over the pandemic. Praying for all of us. May we be safe. May we be strong. May we have compassion and love for each other.

About hafong

Hello! My name is (Leung) Hafong alias Lily Leung. You always say the last name first….that is the Chinese way. That is my partner lurking behind me. Since this is my blog, I won’t mention his name. But this is a rather cool picture. You see me and yet you don’t…sort of the way I feel about myself most of my life. So this blog is a self-exploration, an archeology dig of some sort. My tools…..words of a thousand or so at a sitting. I will try for that.
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2 Responses to THE GRACE OF ENDURANCE

  1. Chef William says:

    Hello, Lily my friend. Your anger is deep and I feel there is much more to it than just your mother’s health problems but you are correct to vent because that is how we find out what we might otherwise overlook about our anger as well as other issues. Prayer is so very helpful, I am happy to see that you have included it along with your daily meditation. Please do not panic over the pandemic at a later date; The time for panic has passed and I am afraid that much of the world missed it. As we both know, the world has forever changed and now we much face it as the new world unfolds over the coming years so let us face it as an adventure. There will be many ups and downs but let us try to focus more on enjoying the ups than letting the downs destroy our trip through this visit to this earth.

    • hafong says:

      Thank you, William. You have a voice of wisdom and sanity. I am a bit heartbroken, angry and sad. I know it is not good for me. Alas, it is what it is. I never felt the colour of my skin before I had a dog. But then after, I felt so much meanness. When I was alone, there was no reason for people to come at me. But after, you use my dog as an excuse, accusing me of not picking up and my dog bad, etc etc. Now that we have the Coronavirus and I am Chinese and I still have a dog. There’s more excuses for people to show their true colour. I am exhausted by my mother’s illness. It is I who takes her to the doctor. He is Chinese and speaks Cantonese. My mother is very hard of hearing. She answers to a different question he is asking. When she tells him she has lots of pain, he says that she says the opposite. He gets defensive and doesn’t like suggestions. I texted my sister for a little assistance. She doesn’t answer but my brother did pdq. I have no fear of the Coronavirus but I do fear of some of my neighbours. This past fall I had to contact our Police Liaison for help. I’m not saying I’m hopeless but I’m not hopeful. I’m in a hard to get out of sadness place right now. I know there are good people and neighbours. I just need 2 good days together. My mother is on the right track and staying on the meds. Most of her vision is back. I was feeling so relieved and thought I could be me again. Then just like that, I let somebody get to me- accusing me of leaving Sheba’s poop on his lawn. I was a block away already and had Sheba’s bagged poop in my hands. But it must have been us because we was liked by. I know I should let it go but it’s easier said then done. But you’ve made me feel a bit better with your inquiry. I’m moping but still doing the work of living. I got a scoby and am brewing my first kombucha. I’m making another scoby with green instead of black tea. I found some old oolong tea which I will try, too. I belong to Caroline Myss’s online prayer group. I light my 2 candles every evening in prayer for all in need, including myself. Thank you for your kindness.

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