What strange times we are in. So many things we cannot count on – the weather, people, peace and equanimity. This is the summer that wasn’t. Already it feels like October. The furnace kicked in on a couple of cool mornings. The thunder and rains came early in the morning before we rose. All day the clouds reined. The rains came again at supper time. Sheba and I were lucky. We had our walk and had time to harvest a few beans, strawberries and tomatoes from the garden.
I’m feeling fortunate that I am not feeling ‘under’ with the weather. I’m feeling quite on top of things, filled with a wee bit of vim and vigour. Knock on wood. It’s not just luck. I’ve been working on myself, doing my own reconstruction workshop. I hate feeling poorly, don’t you? I’ve been chipping away parts of myself that I do not like. It’s not easy. Old habits die hard. Mostly it is about old habits. It’s so much easier to go the well rutted way than to find different routes. It’s taken me these many days and ways to do it.
It starts with recognizing how I don’t want to feel. And then seeing how I always react to those feelings. When I always react the same way, then I always get the same results. Simple math. Choosing to act different is not so simple. I had to swallow my pride and stubborness. They’re big lumps and hard to go down. I had to tell myself that it’s the right thing to do over and over. Practice does make for easier. It takes time for it to take hold and feel natural. I’m getting better and feeling better. That’s probably what’s giving me vim and vigor.
Having projects keeps me buoyed. I’m learning to make sourdough bread. I’m inspired by Zero-Waste Chef. The whole process looks very slow and complicated. It’s enough to discourage me but it hasn’t. I’m looking at it as a science experiment, taking one step at a time. It’s not like me at all. Mind you, I’m only 6 days in. I’m still excited. My starter came alive yesterday. I have to feed it every day now. I named it Oscar. I check on him numerous times a day to watch him at work, munching and making bubbles. I much rather use my energy and time to feed Oscar than all those negative emotions of depression, anger, envy, jealousy and what-have-you of the past. Maybe I will have a loaf of bread to share in the near future.