Do you know what? I find life flipping hard. I know. I try not to bring the negative here. I always try to be positive and motivating. But enough is enough. Let me just be myself. I’m a crank pot. I’ve been accused of voicing things most people would only think. But isn’t that a kettle calling the pot black? I really puzzled over that one. It makes me cranky. Then there’s this person who calls me weird. And I say to her: I’m weird? But you’re the one who has piercings on your tongue. It doesn’t get me alot of love.

I guess you can tell that I’m irritable and cranky. Every day I look at the clutter of my desk and say, I’m going to tidy up. Every day I feel too flipping tired. Today is another such day but at least I made it to swimming this morning. Oh, poor me! I’ve been feeling so tired and achy all this week. I feel like such a whine baby. Different times when I woke in the night, I’m talking to myself. I can’t possibly go swimming in the morning. I feel so bad. I sound so pathetic even to myself. I made myself go just to stop that dialogue.

I think I’m at a crossroad. Which direction should I go? How to be? What should I do? I feel at a stalmate. I am not happy with myself. I should stop trying to do the right thing all the time. It ends up being not the right thing. I should stop trying to be nice. I should be just my cranky old self. I should stop worrying about saying the wrong things. I should say the things that should be said. Never mind other people who would think them but not brave enough to give them voice.


About hafong

Hello! My name is (Leung) Hafong alias Lily Leung. You always say the last name first….that is the Chinese way. That is my partner lurking behind me. Since this is my blog, I won’t mention his name. But this is a rather cool picture. You see me and yet you don’t…sort of the way I feel about myself most of my life. So this blog is a self-exploration, an archeology dig of some sort. My tools…..words of a thousand or so at a sitting. I will try for that.
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  1. Maureen says:

    I agree, life can be hard at times. Just taking one step at a time and not putting too much pressure on yourself, helps make it easier. They say a messy desk is the sign of a creative person, so I wouldn’t worry too much about it. My desk was always messy; I just learned to love the mess. 🙂

  2. minette2012 says:

    Hi Lily, loved your reflections and honesty about being cranky. Not every day is a great day is it? I have worked hard to figure out what I can do to jumpstart my day so I have fewer cranky days. Morning walks are my happy place. I always come back feeling renewed and refreshed. Reading and art making in the morning before I jump into a busy day also help me personally. And then some days, I just call bs and let myself be cranky. I warn my family and allow myself to feel the feelings. What’s on the other side is usually a breathrough to something I have been wrestling with.

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