A YEAR TO: LEARN

Loving oneself is perhaps the hardest thing to do/learn.  It’s taken me these many unconscious eons and this one conscious year to see how abusive I’ve been to myself. Now I can see clearly how I/all of us can fall into that vicious pattern.  Like it or not we are not unique unto ourselves.  We are wired the same.

Until we are awakened to that moment, we/I will keep falling into the same hole that Portia Nelson speaks of in her poem, There’s a Hole in My Sidewalk.

“I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I fall in.
I am lost… I am helpless.
It isn’t my fault.
It takes forever to find a way out.

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I don’t see it.
I fall in again.
I can’t believe I am in the same place.
But, it isn’t my fault.
It still takes me a long time to get out.

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it is there.
I still fall in. It’s a habit.
My eyes are open.
I know where I am.
It is my fault. I get out immediately.

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.

I walk down another street.”

I can’t really tell you how many times I have fallen into the same hole.  I am unaware of how bruised or battered I became till that aha moment when someone switched on the light.  It seems so easy now that I am on the other side of the street.  It is not so when I was in the quagmire with no firm foothold.

Learning comes slowly for me.  I’ve been stuck in the same place for the last year. Sometimes you have to hit me with a 2×4.  Falling into the same deep hole also works! The lesson is lasting.  I realize that I am not in control of or responsible for everything.  I am not that powerful. Not everything is my fault.  No doubt, I will forget again from time to time. It’s only human nature. But I will not hurt myself more in those times with self-blame. Loving kindness starts with oneself.

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