I see life in words and pictures. And if I was to choose a word for 2015, it would be STILLNESS. I see the beauty of it right before my eyes – so brilliant and still. It awaits me, telling me I can do it. It is within reach if I wish. All I have to do is nothing.
I have not been good at stillness, at doing nothing. Even at rest, my hands betray me with their tapping, their fluttering. My thoughts run away every chance they get. My mind is not a restful place.
With no more STATS or Code Blues to run to, no call bells to answer, no one’s call of nature to take care of except my own, is it any wonder that I’ve been a little more quirky and unsettled the past year? I have been like a runaway train on a roller coaster, careening out of control. There is no one to save except myself.
STILLNESS is a good word for me. It stills the flutter in my heart, quiets the voice in my head. You are not so powerful, it whispers. You can’t fix everything. I glide smoothly into the warmth of the water and it is totally silent. I’m blowing bubbles through my nose and mouth. I have no room for thoughts as I lift my arm up and roll my face out of the water to breathe. I roll my face back, blowing bubbles and lift my other arm. I follow the black line at the bottom of the pool. Lift, roll, breathe, roll, lift over and over the length of the pool.
I am suspended from thoughts, held in the moment, breathing and living in stillness. It is stillness and silence that I want for 2015. Let me just be for then, perhaps I can see clearly and hear the call of my heart. I have time to be still. There is no fire, no one to rescue. There is just me for now.