Through this period of Lent I have been putting an effort to keep my own council. It is not an easy thing for I am a talker and I tend to speak my mind. Speaking my mind hasn’t really worked for me. It’s like ‘I fought the world and the world won’.
Somehow I’ve always felt I’m a rebel. I’ve had more than one person say to me: Lily, only you would say what other people would only think. That has always puzzled and shocked me for I do not think I am a rude person. I do not tell people they are ugly or they stink. I do not even tell them when they are rude.
Would you not say that they are guilty of what they are accusing me of? And isn’t it rude to say that to my face? Trying my best to understand people and all their ways haven’t really worked for me either. It has only hurt my head and heart. It has also made me an angry person at times.
So my dears, I’m trying new ways. It’s not for me to know you if you want to be a mystery. I have reached and reached out to you, doing my part. I only ask you to meet me halfway. My dears, when I talk to you, I only want you to acknowledge you heard me, even if you don’t like what I said.
My dears, do you think that silence doesn’t speak. Well, if it doesn’t, body language speaks volumes. So does actions. And it is a bit of a curse I can read both of them. Ignorance can be bliss.
In this time, I am making a friend of silence. Only in silence can I learn what is important to me. Only in silence can I hear myself. In silence I can value myself just for myself. In silence I cannot be misunderstood.