A THOUSAND SILENT BULLETS

Well, so much for goals and intentions.  It’s a week since I’ve vowed to write a thousand words at a sitting.  I dare not say a thousand words daily. That would be inviting definite failure.  What I have learned is that it is not good to trash oneself over failed goals and intentions but to treat oneself with kindness and love and to start again.  So here I am, typing away, starting again.

I came home this morning from my 12-hour night shift, thoughts and feelings swirling aimlessly and meaninglessly in this head of mine.  Words came flying out of my mouth like a thousand bullets.  So much for my intention of not bringing work home with me!  There really is no relief nor satisfaction in sharing with someone who is not in the same profession.  I just felt more angst.  But I did remembered my light-bulb moment…of recognizing how I tend not to cut myself any slack on my own shortcomings.  I inhaled and exhaled, made myself a cup of tea with hot water that someone else had kindly boiled for me and took my Ramipril.  Ahhhh…some relief.  I’ve been up for 24 hours so how can I possibly have a right perspective on anything?  It’s really not normal nor healthy for anyone to spend 30+ years in such a work environment.

I drank my tea and hugged myself with kindness and love.  I brushed my teeth and soaked myself in a warm bath of a thousand bubbles.  There is no use in flinging oneself into bed when one feels like a porcupine of a thousand needles.  I am sure I would toss and turn a thousand times and still be sleepless.  This way, I could spit out my words in silent bullets.  I would not hurt anyone’s ears.  The tap, tap, tapping of my fingers brings calmness and some clarity to my mind.  I feel some sense that I am accomplishing something…working towards my thousand words project.

I am hungry and I would really like to eat the handle off the fridge door.  But I held myself back and settled for a poached egg on one slice of toast and ham.  Funny how nurses/shift-workers talk.  You can recognize us by our lingo.  So, did you sleep?  When do you have days off?  Are you in on overtime?  Etc. etc.  How mundane!  I think my next goal is to work on a different conversation.  It is true what they say…that you are or you become what you say.  I have tried to watch my words, to be impeccable.  But alas!  Sometimes my mouth does run away on me.  How can it not, when my workday of 12 hours, is involved in talking to so many people?  So it takes some effort not to beat myself up or judging myself for not performing up to par.  But now, at least, I am aware.  I have a sense of direction.  And that’s a definite step.  I’ve found a path in the forest.  I am not lost.

Well not quite a thousand words but isn’t a picture worth at least another five hundred words ?

About hafong

Hello! My name is (Leung) Hafong alias Lily Leung. You always say the last name first….that is the Chinese way. That is my partner lurking behind me. Since this is my blog, I won’t mention his name. But this is a rather cool picture. You see me and yet you don’t…sort of the way I feel about myself most of my life. So this blog is a self-exploration, an archeology dig of some sort. My tools…..words of a thousand or so at a sitting. I will try for that.
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