IN MY LIFE

I’m in my apres- lunch malaise. It is after 3 pm. No time to tarry as they say. I’m in this space, tapping the keyboard, talking with my fingers, singing my songs. I hear Killing Me Softly with His Song in my head. I’ll try not to use killing words. I’m not about pain and despair. I hate suffering. I rather walk on the sunny side of the street. And you know what? I missed the solar eclipse today. I was in total sunshine. There was not not even a hint of a shadow. That’s new for me. Sometimes all I feel are clouds.

I’m trying to know myself in my life – to detach myself and really observe my place in the world and in my life. It is difficult to take out the personal feelings, all the me, myself and I, and look at myself as somebody else. Who am I? How am I? What are my values? How do I behave. How do I treat other people? Am I as honourable, fair, loving as I thought of myself? It’s a hard exercise to do. I think it’s well worth the effort. It would test my true grit.

Byron Katie’s The Work  has been a great resource for me. I ask myself these four questions about any given situation:

  1. Is it true?
  2. Can you absolutely know that it’s true?
  3. How do you react, what happens, when you believe that thought?
  4. Who would you be without the thought?

Learning to be has been a very slow process. Life surely is a journey and not a destination. When you get there, you find that there is no there. What I can say is that I am becoming a more content person with less anger, turmoil and depression. I hesitate to use the word happy because what is happy? What I know for sure is I love learning and changing. I love pursuing excellence.

 

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CRAVINGS, SPACES, LOVES

It’s Saturday morning. Cloudy and breezy upon wakening. I had toast with cherry jam. Thought I would treat myself royally today. Sheba is not the only queen in the house. I can sit here forever with my tea, my book and my thoughts. Sometimes it’s not so good to stay in my head long. It is full of paranoia and false stories. The sun is out. I must not tarry. I shall gather the forementioned queen. we can saunter down to our community garden and see how it is doing. Perhaps I can gather some greens for lunch. Be back in awhile.

I’m back. It’s more than awhile. It’s noon. I’ll try not to think of time slipping away but time well spent and enjoyed. It was. I killed several birds with one stone. Sheba and I had a mindful walk to the community garden. We took time to smell the flowers and chew some grass. It was quite wonderful that our footsteps and heartbeats were synchronized. We walked as one together and in rhythm. We got exercised. Home now with our harvest. Happy and pooped. For Sheba, it’s literal. I can sit now with my coffee and keyboard for awhile. Then lunch. What more could I ask for?

I know. There’s a whole world out there. There’s Folk Fest. There’s this. There’s that. I almost could feel the urge to do, to join, to be part of everything. When I had, I didn’t feel any more of. part. belonging. happier. satisfied. When I had been in the midst of it all, I was still searching. Where is it? What is it? Is this it? That’s all? Now, I tried to accept that I will get this feeling of need or craving for ‘the more, the thing that will make me happy ever after’. There’s no such thing. There’s no such place.

There is no point in trying to fill that longing space within or searching for happiness. I know it’s our human nature, this yearning for more. Instead, I will try to fill my stomach and appetite. I will get to know myself better in my life, my likes, dislikes, values, what works, what doesn’t. I will make it my adventure. It’s a continual journey. It requires me getting up, dressing up and showing up. I do every day. I love that slogan/ act. I love tap, tap, tapping on the keyboard, I love making index card art, I love, I love… What do you love?

 

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TALK LESS, DO MORE

August days can be perfect days. August days can be trying days. Clouds and sun chased each other all day, each determined to outshine and out shadow the other. They have been playing havoc with my mind and mood for the last couple of days. Charlotteville and now Barcelona add their drama to the mix.

How do you tackle these days, whether they be in summer, spring, winter or fall? I haven’t had to deal with them for quite awhile. My year of doing different must be making a difference. Even though I’m not feeling terrific, I am feeling a sense of accomplishment. I still have desires and purpose. I am feeling annoyed I got tripped up though. But then I am human. There are no perfection in this journey.

What I can and will do is to sit with my feelings and tap out my words. They are but physical discomforts. I will feel them, observe and let them be. I will carry on with this experience a little slower and with more attention. In the past, my first instinct was to rid these feelings as fast and as soon as possible. It didn’t really work. It has to bide its own sweet time. It demands to be acknowledged and felt.

This is what I am doing – acknowledging and feeling with every tap, tap. I have turned off the television, silencing the reporting of our human horror drama we are living in. We are in tumultuous times. We can hear a pin as soon as it’s dropped. The world is at our back door. We can no longer ignore anything.

But life is still sweet. The sun rises and sets as always. There’s the total solar eclipse to look forward to on August 17th. I’m breathing in and out, getting up, dressing up and showing up. Sometimes I fake it till I make it. But my fakes are getting better and better. I could do with less verbalizing. It usually doesn’t help much. Sometimes it makes me feel worse. It happens. That happens. But I feel pretty good about my accomplishments today. Painting and baking are good things to do on a day like today.

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IS THIS ALL THERE IS?

Zen/bliss moments are really difficult to sustain. It’s a tough job to keep all my chakras aligned. I’m toughing it already in morning traffic. The day has just begun and I’m feeling a little crazy and despondent in Monday morning  traffic. I feel as if I was caught in a futuristic movie. We are moving streams in both directions, silent and locked in our private vehicles. Is this all there is? I could hear Peggy Lee singing in my head.

I’m like Peggy.  Though despondent and disillusioned, I’m not quite ready for the final disappointment. I’ll just carry on and try to tap, tap myself out of my misery. Another cup of tea won’t hurt either. The grey skies are weighing heavy on me. I’ll try to look for that silver lining – that cloudy weather is more conducive to creativity. It brought a song to mind. I tell you, my head is like a jukebox sometimes – full of songs.

I didn’t realize this was written by Woody Guthrie. I thought it was a hymn. It’s a great song for today.

God’s Promise
Words by Woody Guthrie, Music by Ellis Paul

I didn’t promise you skies painted blue 
Not all colored flowers all your days through 
I didn’t promise you, sun with no rain 
Joys without sorrows, peace without pain.

All that I promise is strength for this day, 
Rest for my worker, and light on your way. 
I give you truth when you need it, my help from above, 
Undying friendship, my unfailing love.

I never did promise you crowns without trials, 
Food with no hard sweat, your tears without smiles, 
Hot sunny days without cold wintry snows, 
No vict’ry without fightin’, no laughs without woes.

All that I promise is strength for this day, 
Rest for my, worker, my light on your way, 
I give you truth when you need it, my help from above, 
Undying friendship, my unfailing love.

I sure didn’t say I’d give you heaven on earth, 
A life with no labor no struggles no deaths, 
No earthquakes no dry spells, no fire flames no droughts, 
No slaving no hungers, no blizzards no blights.

All that I promise is strength for this day,
Rest for my worker, my light on your way,
I give you truth when you need it, my help from above, 
Undying friendship, my unfailing love.

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ALCHEMY – PROGRAMMING FOR SUCCESS

August days can be perfect days when the sun is shining with that perfect warmth and perfect angle. It’s the sunshine lollypops and rainbows, Everything is wonderful kind of moment. I sit back, breathing in the ecstasy of this moment, holding it in my mind’s eye for future reference. The feeling lasted the whole morning. It lingers still though a siren is wailing in the distance and tools clanging and iron grinding nearby.

Perhaps this is how one should live – to take and carry that moment of ecstasy into our being and use it to transport and transform us through our days/life. It’s the perfect agent of change/alchemy. No matter where we are, what storms we’re caught in, we can go within ourselves into that magic moment and find the strength and wisdom to withstand and resolve.

I am just at the beginning of this journey. I am seeing and experiencing some of the power of this process. It’s really programming myself for success, changing and doing what works. It’s long overdue. Now I know and understand nature and myself better, I’m doing better. I’m feeling better, resting better. I’m leaving behind other people’s stuff and messes. I’m dealing with my stuff and clearing my messes. I have more space and peace in my heart.

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WHAT DO YOU KNOW FOR SURE

It was  Gene Siskel along with his colleague, Roger Ebert who asks the question, What do you know for sure? at the end of each show. I think it’s a good question to ask to start each day. What do I know for sure? It is Saturday morning. The air is fresh. It’s sunny and warm. The yard is lush with green foliage and the blues and purples of blooming petunias. I hear birds singing. I see them fly here and there.

I’m sitting on the deck with Sheba, drinking tea and tapping on the keyboard. I’m thinking about what is true and what is not. I’m thinking about where do I want to go for lunch. I’m thinking of how to be more flamboyant, what is fun and what makes me feel good.

What makes me feel good is getting an immediate ping back from the Universe. I am somewhat of a human laboratory. I am experimenting on the HOWS of pursuing excellence in living. Silence is a good tool. I still my brain from thinking, from forming an opinion, a judgement.  Secrets reveal themselves. The answers are there for me to see. I silence my lips and let others speak. I hear everyone’s wisdom. I hear my own heart beat.

There are many things that I cannot control. Let me not waste time there. Let me not moan about what cannot be changed. Let me use my energy in the things I can. I can chart the course of my day, how I feel. I am captain of my ship. I can choose the direction I want to sail. I can choose from my own menu – the appetizer, the main course, dessert, the condiments. I do not have to stay in the storm. I can head for friendly waters and a safe haven.

Life is good. I have choices and options. This is what I know for sure today.

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LIVING IN THE SPEED OF THE INFINET

Now that we’re hooked up to Sasktel’s InfiNet and travelling at 100Mbps, is life any easier? Can I think and do as fast? I wonder what all these energy signals are doing to our brains. Since I’ve been travelling this speed for only 3 hours, I can’t give too much feedback. I can navigate the pages faster. Click and I’m there. The WiFi is much stronger. I can sit on the deck and it still works. So life is good. If it gets really hot, I will crack a beer and see if that will increase my thinking and typing speed.

Life goes on. It is August. The sun shows up later in the morning. The shadows are darker and longer. It’s cooler. My heart doesn’t sing or dance upon waking. It does a little flip flop. I tell myself, It’s akay. Fear not, it’s August. I get up, dress up and show up. It’s not necessary to shine if it’s troublesome. I take care not to grump though. That’s all there is to it.

It’s another day, another beginning. I practice at cleaning my slate and start anew every day. No carry overs. I guess this is what is called ‘living in the moment’. I like it. It keeps me on my toes – not to react but to respond with care, objectively. I’m learning to take the ‘me, I, myself ‘- all the personal out of the equation. It’s not all about me. I’m taking the ‘you’ out of the equation, too. It’s a difficult place to get to. But I think I’m finally there. I’m beginning to arrive if not totally there.

I’m liking it – this new way, this new path. Did I say it already? I feel good. I feel motivated. I feel creative. I feel STRONG. No doubt I will have days when I will falter and fall. But that’s all part of living – falling and rising. It’s the breathing in and out.

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