Day 134 – December 6, 2016 @8:40 pm
Sometimes I am arrogant in my happiness of the moment. You know what will happen. I got knocked down. It is okay. Everything passes. Everything changes. I am in a year of doing different, making changes. I am not going down that same road of reaction to the moment. I am eating humble pie. I bow my head in acquiesce. Once more I am listening to spiritual guidance.
Always, I seek the truth. I need to purge what is not true. I am getting a grip on myself. I am not special. I am just an ordinary human on this planet living a humble life. I am governed by the rules of this planet. Not everything is about me. I’m trying to discover what my beliefs are. What are my truths? What changes do I need to make to align myself with my truths? How can I act congruently?
Hmm. Enough self contemplation. God is not ready to deliver all the answers tonight. But I am listening. I’m open for guidance. But it’s time to say good night.
Day 133 – December 5, 2016 @5:42 pm
I am here. Now what? What shall I talk about? How nothing’s right, but nothing is wrong either? Where do I go now, I who is always at crossroads. At least wherever I go, Sheba is with me. She is pure. No resentments. No grudges. If I give her a tidbit of a treat, it’s as if I had given her a steak. Wouldn’t it be lovely if I/we could be that joyous and thankful, our tails wagging back and forth?
I’m waiting and tapping, waiting and tapping. Which way to go? This way? That way? What to do? This? That? I can hear Carolyn Myss in my head, screaming: Stop it! Stop it! I’m going to listen. I’m stopping it – the wondering and wandering. I’m staying and tapping words, songs and prayers of peace.
May I find courage. May I find strength. May I find the words and wisdom. May I find silence. May I find and give compassion. May I love and be loved. And may I be safe. And may you also have all these things.
Day 130 -132, December 4, 2016 @10:37 am
The sun has finally shown up. My dining table is still in order. My magic black bullet is next to me. I’m sitting with my black tea. I’m trying a different taste and to shed a few calories. I’ve opened the screen to write. But I’m feeling as cranky as can be. I will accept this feeling, just sitting and observing it. I will not try to fix it. I’m giving up that job of being Mrs. Fix-It. I’ll just sit and tap – maybe words, a song, a dance, but no resumes for another Mrs. Fix-It position.
Do I really love Orange Pekoe tea, sweetened and whitened that much or am I addicted to the same old, same old? What is in that tea? Curiosity led me to google Orange Pekoe and I find that it is how they grade tea. It is a high grade. Good for me! It could be/very likely that I’m addicted to the honey and milk I put in. I will try black for awhile. I will try different – teas, too. My cupboard is full of them – all kinds.
Hmmm. I see a pattern here – drinking the same tea though my cupboard is full of many kinds. I tend to wear the same clothes though my closet is bursting with other clothes. My lizard brain doesn’t like change. It likes the same old, same old, just like me! Grrr! Changing is a very hard job. It is for the birds.
But wait! Let me not get discouraged. I have made in roads. I have faced off with my biggest dragons and demons and survived. I am developing experience and opinions. Hooray for me! Tomorrow is another day. Crankiness is another part of life. Brains are what they are. I am rewiring mine. Onward, James! Fly me to the moon. Let me play among the stars.
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Tagged a hard job, a year of change, cranky, day 130 -132, fly me to the moon, life, lizard brain, Mrs. Fix-It, resumes, rewiring, tomorrow is another day, writing
Day 127 – 129 – December 1, 2016 @5:32 pm
A few days have slipped by. I’ve been absent from this space but I’m here now. That’s how it is in real life. Some days we go missing and we will have to find our way back – if it is important. It is. The pages of the calendar keep turning. It is now December. The days are getting shorter, the nights longer. Soon it will be Winter Solstice. After that the reverse will happen. Life in cycles.
In this year of doing different, I am sojourning forward – out of the fear and the darkness. There’s light at the other end of the tunnel. I am in the desert. It’s where I am suppose to be. I have things to learn. I am safe for I am with me. The road is long and winding. The challenges beckon. Come on. Take one step. Then another.
Knit one. Purl one. Keep going. You will figure out the pattern. One row. Then another and another. There – now you have a sweater. Now you have a life. Wear it. Live it. It is yours. Tomorrow you will wake and rise to face another challenge.
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Tagged a year of change, challenges, darkness, day 127 - 129, in the desert, knitting, life, sojourning, sweater, winter solstice, writing
Day 126, November 28, 2016 @5:48 pm
It is again a very, very grey day. The sun made no appearance. En route to our exercise class, the morning seemed so bright and clear before me. It felt rather strange. I felt very good. I thought, Wow! I’m feeling like I could work a 12 hour shift. That was just a feeling. I don’t want to but I felt quite capable. It must be my endorphins talking.
I’m into day 126 of my year of doing different. I’m thinking I must be into the heart of my journey. I’m feeling a bit DIFFERENT. I’m feeling I could see the tree through the forest. It is quite euphoric though fleeting. It is okay. I’m in a little clearing. I have navigated my way through the darkness. I’m not completely lost anymore. I will chip away at the dense undergrowth. I am sure there will be many more obstacles – rocks, roots, stumps, maybe even poison ivy and a monster or two. For now, I am happy and secure in my little Eden. I will enjoy and rest for the morrow.
Day 124 and 125, November 27, 2016 @8:21 pm
Make hay while the sun shines. I love proverbs, don’t you? Life could be easier and better if we heed them. I was glad that I did yesterday. I made hay while the sun shone. I basked in the warmth of my sunroom, letting everything fall off my shoulders.
Today is another story. No sun and no warmth from the greyness surrounding me. I was not happy, needing the sun to stimulate my feel good cells. But I faked it and carried on. I made my own sunshine.
I remembered my nephew used to phone and leave messages for me when he was very little. One time I came home from a 12 hour work shift and found his message. ” You are my sunshine, My only sunshine…” I thought of him today. I remembered going to my sister’s one day and found him doing his chore – washing the stairs. That was when he was a little older, of course. I thought that it was something I could do today. It would be one step closer to having a clean and neat house for the new year. Since I am bigger than a little boy, I washed the upstair and downstair bathrooms as well.
I am feeling proud having fooled my gloomy cells and rising above them. I keep telling myself, I CAN, I CAN. With bold steps, Sheba and I strode into the grey. We found that it was not as grey once out from our shackled thinking and feelings. The world exploded into colours that widened our lenses and opened our hearts.
So good to have this space to come to at the end of the day and unload. Good night and God bless.
Day 122 and 123 – November 25, 2016 @2:05 pm
Thank God that no two days are equal. I am having a much better after lunch feeling. There’s none of the fatigue, sleepiness and I-want-to-throw-up looking at the dishes.The pots, pans, and stove top are cleaned. The washers, dish and laundry are going. There’s the weak washed out wintry sun coming in the windows. We are having a quiet peaceful interlude, letting the food digest and having a spot of tea.
I’m puttering through my days and year slowly but steadily. Some days I am more energetic and ambitious than others. But I am always passionate about this learning process. I am always excited about what nuggets of myself/ourselves I can excavate and examine in the light. It has always been the purpose of this blog. Yes, I do wander now and then. That is my/our nature. But I always come back again and again to do the work. What is my purpose? What is my nature? How can I do better? The answer comes to: I have to know (myself) better.
This journey has many crossroads. Which path do I take? Can I face my own truths, or would I rather not know? Do I want to be right or do I want to be happy? Can’t I have both? I’m choosing the path of truth. At this stage in my life, I cannot afford any more games. I do not want to hide. I am seeking. I want to do the work. I am guided by the works of Byron Katie, Caroline Myss and Norm Shealy. In this age of the Internet, there are so many tools at our disposal. Access is almost at the speed of light. There is no need to stay in the dark.
Here, in my real physical world, I’m doing the work at Fitness on 25th/YWCA. Mondays we do aerobics. Wednesday we do step aerobics. Fridays, obstacle course. All classes are not straight anythings. They can have weights training and they are all geared towards improving our functioning in activities of daily living. Our awesome instructor is Val. I am stronger mentally, emotionally and physically since I have stumbled into her class last December. I can’t fly yet, but I can vacuum my whole main floor at one go without stopping to rest. Here’s a sample of functional training from YouTuble: