Day 70, September 30, 2016 @8:48 am
Morning is not a great time to read about a killing and ridding of a body. I’m starting the day with an ‘ugh’! It’s a good thing I’m greeted with the cheeriness of autumn sunshine and the splendid hues of yellows and oranges. I must behave accordingly. I do have a choice. I have a mind. It can over ride my brain. I am not ruled by biology only. Think of the reward. Another dollar in the teapot!
My ‘uglies’ have receded somewhat though I feel the tears on the verge of my eyes. My body cries, nothing is easy and all the other I feel sorry for myself phrases. I guess I have to let it have its say, too. We are in this together, my body, my mind and my brain. We have to respect and cooperate with each other.
My cup of tea is done. I will/can sit and stay awhile longer till I am finished.The discomfort, the desire to flee has ebbed. It is tolerable. I can even feel a sense of peace sitting here discovering my flaws and strengths. I am inching forward daily. Another 4 rows on my sweater. My grapes are now raisins. One tomato bed cleaned off. A flash fiction of 100 words for Friday Fictioneers.
Now I have to go and hang up the laundry from last night and plan my day. What is on your plate?
It’s Thursday. I’ve been missing my 100 words and Friday Fictioneers. I’ve dusted off my fiction cap and joining in again. We’re hosted by Rochelle Wisoff-Fields of Addicted to Purple. Our mission is to write a story of 100 words inspired by a photo prompt. Here’s my story to Amy Reese’s photo. Hope you enjoy. If you like, you can join in and tell your story.
My footsteps were so loud. Click, clock! Click, clock! They echoed down the long empty corridor. I paused and listened. Was someone following me? I held my breath. My skin tingled with anxiety. Only the thudding of my heart was audible. Slowly, I turned my head and glanced over my right shoulder. No one!
I let out my breath. My shoulders relaxed and dropped. I started my steps again – slowly and on the tips of my shoes. The EXIT sign flowed in the distance. Just then came click, clock. Click, Clock. CLICK, CLOCK! I picked up my heels and ran.
Day 69, September 29, 2016 @9:17
Some mornings are harder than others. This is one of them. I’m here. I’m prepared to sit and stay. I’ve made my cup of tea before hand. I will not have that excuse to flee. I can sit, stay and sip through the discomforts. I’m beginning to understand this phenomenon of procrastination – at least for me. My brain is lazy. It wants to do the same old, same old. It’s easier to stay in well travelled ruts. It does not want new pathways. It does not want a new circuitry. I DO. I’m fighting my brain right now to stay awake. Sleepiness is another way for it to flee.
The sun just came out to lend me a hand. Thank you, Mr. Sun! I need a little help today. My tea is done but I’m not finished here. What do I have to say? What do I want to say? The going is tough. I feel like a gerbil on a treadmill. I’m moving but not advancing. My great deduction today is that if I want changes, I must be the change. I must be the instrument. I must DO. I must make goals and lists. Writing them down is concrete. I cannot rely on goals and lists in my head. It makes it easier to forget and disregard.
I made a move yesterday to reward myself $1 for showing up each day. It’s tangible. It’s working. I will have $2 in my teapot today. I am working on making my basement a nice living space. I will clean/clear a small area each day. I threw out 2 old humidifiers and a CD rack yesterday. I worked a little on the sweater I started this summer. The secret I believe is starting and working small but steady. Do not lose heart.
What is your goal today?
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Tagged a year of change, be the change, changing my brain, day 69, goals, life, lists, new circuitry, pathways, reward system, writing
Day 68, September 28, 2016 @9:08
The days are ticking off, ever so slowly when you are conscious and counting. Doing different is difficult. I am so wired in to my feelings and reactions. Moving out of my grooves and ruts takes more than minutes, hours, days, weeks and months. I have to be patient. I have to be innovative. I have to be kind to myself. No snapping of elastic band on my wrist. I have to be trained like Sheba – on a reward system. A Loonie(a dollar) into the teapot for each day completed with a blog post. I’m worth that.
It’s an uncomfortable feeling to commit, to put it in writing. I want to get up and make myself a cup of tea. But I won’t. I will sit and stay here with the discomfort. I will sit and finish even though my head is screaming for tea. At least I’m not screaming for a cigarette as in the past. That is proof that I can and have changed.
Another gorgeous day. I am sitting in my beautiful space surrounded by light. It’s the light I must follow though our shadows are ever present. I will choose the high ways whenever I am able to. But I must accept the dark places and not punish and blame myself or others for falling. I can always get up and dust myself off – again.
Have you fallen? Did you hurt yourself? Did you get up?
Day 66 and 67, September 27, 2016 @8:48 am
I’m attempting to do the great turnaround this morning – doing the ‘work’ of Byron Katie. I’m asking questions, seeking their validity and seeing if there is another way of seeing. I am not happy in this moment of seeing the world half empty. It is the morning after the great debate of last night between Hiliary Clinton and Donald Trump. The
world I held my breath, waiting to hear how the Donald will speak. I am sad to see a world where such a person can become a presidential candidate.
I’m coming to this space a little earlier, to change and shake off this feeling. The world hasn’t changed that much overnight. It is the way I’m seeing/feeling. One affects the other. One invokes different visions of the glass half full or empty. Can I do a switch around? And which one is true? I’m having a problem with truths. I tend to be black and white, literal and no gives. But I see the literal/absolute way brings me no happiness. I’m swaying, changing like the autumn leaves. I’m dropping/letting go the things that don’t serve me. They’re dropping slowly like teardrops. Afterall, change does hurt. It’s not a shame to cry.
Have you cried today? Is your world half empty or full? I am going to fill up now.
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Tagged a year of change, Byron Katie, Clinton and Trump, day 66 and 67, fill up, half empty, half full, life, presidential debate, the work, turnaround, writing
Day 63 – 65, September 25, 2016 @4:57 pm
Challenges are difficult amid fatigue and pain. Sometimes I wonder if I’m lazy. Am I using it as a excuse. Other times, I wonder if I have fibromyalagia and/or chronic fatigue. Or is it from my sinus anomoly? Does it matter what it is called or if it is diagnosed? It is all the same symptons. It adds up to feeling fatigued, pained and generally lousy. I’ve had bouts of these since early adulthood. I’ve survived and learned to cope.
It has improved. Maybe I’m living healthier. I’m certainly getting more sleep and exercise. I have a dog. I do yoga, qigong and meditation off and on. I guess everything counts. Still, there are days when – I want to throw myself into bed with fatigue. The pain is the gnawing kind through the whole body and I feel heavy as lead. These are the tough days when it is hard even to think of walking the dog. I’m thinking I’m making my life harder by having one. What was I thinking? And a Lab/Border Collie at that!
Well, I have a dog. She demands to be walked every day. I put a collar and leash on her and running shoes on me. Off we go, one foot in front of the other at a slow steady pace. I don’t feel any more pain. I don’t feel any less pain. Another walk. Another day. It’s the same coming to this space except some days I haven’t shown up. But I am here today, covering for 3 days.
I have to admit this challenge is harder than my 100 days of art. The more difficult part is the analyzing of how my ‘different’ made a difference and finding the words. Some days it takes more energy than I have. So I have chosen to write when I can instead of giving up altogether. I will chug along to day 365. That’s how life is lived – as best as we can to the end.
Day 62, September 22, 2016 @6:05 pm
Day 62 finds me here a little earlier but I am depleted. I am fortifying myself with a few chocolates. Hope they can give me a little boost. I am a bit of a wimp. A few chores can tire me out. I’m trying to learn to be more efficient with my energy. Making changes in habits and routines can be exhausting as well as exhiliaring. The yin and the yang applies to everything.
September is the month of kids returning to school and learning. I find the changing of weather and the turning of the leaves a signal for me to change and learn, too. Today, I’m trying to be more open and flexible to the novelty in life. It’s not too much out of my comfort zone to cook a little differently. I’m Chinese, right? We stir fry anything and everything.
I have a couple of not too fresh cucumbers from the garden. It’s a squash/melon of a different sort. So why can’t I stir fry them? I also have tomatoes on hand and oh, lots of hot chili peppers and abundant luscious green pepper leaves. How about a carrot to take on some of hotness of the chili pepper? Slice and dice and into the frying pan they went. I’m happy and alive to say it was a culinary success though my tongue is still a little tingling from the pepper.
It is just a little change in my cooking. A little novelty in my day. I don’t have to do big or exciting. I’m not one for parachuting or bugee jumping. I can be thrilled by learning that I can do a little different each day. By doing so today, I learn that I have been doing it most of my life. What a surprise for me!