CREATING ORDER – Day 298 in a year of..

Day 298 – May 22, 2017 @8:45 am

I’m still falling into the trap of same beginnings. It has been awhile since I’ve been here and yes life happens. They are both true and mundane. But you know what? I’ve fallen in love with the mundane. How comforting it is to wake up each morning to my outside world hasn’t changed. The sun still rises in the east. I am here in the moment as its witness – feeling the comfort of its light and warmth. I drink my cup of tea. The day starts.

How fortunate I am to receive the teachings of Caroline Myss during this difficult interior transition. The difficulty being that it’s personal and it is I who must rouse myself from my comfortable sleeping state and into the awake world. That world is vibrant and rotating on its axis and changing. I am not special but part of that changing. I cannot hang back by tooth or nail. If I do, surely I will suffer road rash. It has its own pain.

So here I am, trying – painful as it is. Amd it is to sit here and peck out my words and thoughts one by one. We are in the age of the Internet, send, receive, delete with a tap, click, ENTER. I’ve been mesmerized into thinking that life is that easy and fast – that I could live that way with no mess, no effort, no feeling. Click, tap, voila – done! It’s hard to sit and read an article with more than one paragraph, never mind writing one.

But look, I’m starting my fourth paragraph! It’s been a few years of deleting and entering to realize that doesn’t really do any physical work. It won’t clear the piles on my desk and other surfaces. It doesn’t remove the cobwebs and dust from my giraff and light fixtures. Even my cyber mailboxes were overflowing. But I am slowly creating order each day. Only 1 unread mail in the inbox.

I have surpassed my attention span already. An abrupt end. Better that than repetitive nonsense. I can try again tomorrow.

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QUAGMIRE – DAY 285 in a year of…

Day 285-May 9, 2017 @9:43 am

I’m in a quagmire of procrastination. Caught in stagnation of unable or no desire to go forward, sideways or backwards. So here I sit, hoping to tap away my blues. Don’t get me wrong. I might sound morose and am feeling morose, but I’m A-okay. It’s the flux and flow of my nature. It’s what’s out there in the universe. It’s what’s in me. Sometimes there are blue skies. Sometimes there’s not. There’s cycles of the seasons. There’s the cycles of me.

I’ve been navigating my ship for awhile now. I’ve learned the ropes, when to ease and trim the sails. I’ve read the manuals and chartered the course. There are times when there are too many storms. I’m blown off course and/or too fatigued. I’ve allowed myself extra time and more rest. It feels as if I’m stuck but I’m just going at a different pace, in a different direction. I’m going with the wind.

I’m feeling a little better, a little unstuck. I’m learning not to fight the nature of things. Everything in good time. The world is still spinning around and around. I don’t need to. I can sit and stay for awhile.

 

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VISION – Day 275 in a year of…

Day 275 – April 29, 2017 @2:02 pm

They say that eyes are windows to the soul. It’s how the light gets in. I have been worried about losing the light for as long as I can remember. I am very near sighted and had thick, thick glasses in childhood. Not only was I worried about the light but being unsightly as well. Thank God for high index and contact lenses and inplants. Now my vision is better than ever.

I did not know in my youth that short vision can be a good thing. In Bird by Bird, Anne Lamott talks about writing as much as you can see through a one-inch picture frame, taking one-inch bites at a time. And E. L. Doctorow said writing a novel is like driving a car at night. “You can only see as far as your headlights. You can make the whole trip that way.”

I can see the wisdom in that – staying in the present, looking ahead to see what lies within the range of your headlights. You can live your whole life like that. So I take a deep breath and take a step ahead. Then another, walking in the path lit by the light.

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SELF-LOVE – Day 274 in a year of…

Day 274 – April 28, 2017 @1:51 pm

I’m thinking about self-love. What does it mean to mean to love oneself? One thing I know for sure is that you don’t hurt yourself. But in real life, how many times do we sabatage ourselves – knowingly or unconsciously? It’s good to have this time here to give it some thought.

The day is really dreary and life has been difficult. I try not to feel sorry for myself. It would be harmful rather than helpful. I suck it up, knowing that it is the same for everyone. Not thinking I’m special is self-love. I move onward and forward. I go to my exercise class. I did not enjoy it. That is not a requirement. I still benefit from it. My mood and body are healthier for it.

I’ve dropped out of my history class – American Politics in the time of Trump. I rather have the time for myself. The class is very interesting and the professor is fabulous. My schedule is crammed and it is taxing to rush from one thing to another. I choose what is better for me – my exercise class. There is too much Trump all around already. Do I need more? I can pick it up at a later time. It’s for interest only.

So here I am, showing up again. Showing up is loving myself. It is wonderful that I have this time here. I am not worrying about my grammar, my tenses. I am just sharing my thoughts, what I am doing, my successes, my failures. We can benefit from each other. These are a few ways I’m loving myself.

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NEEDS – Day 273 in a year of…

Day 273 – April 27, 2017 @9:55 am

Now that I have made the return to my words, I need to heed them as well. I need to do as I say else they would be empty words. They would be like the emperor without clothes.

273 days in my journey of change, it is still easy to fall into the same faulty behavioral patterns that Portia Nelson talks about. It’s good to review her words again.

β€œI walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I fall in.
I am lost… I am helpless.
It isn’t my fault.
It takes forever to find a way out.

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I don’t see it.
I fall in again.
I can’t believe I am in the same place.
But, it isn’t my fault.
It still takes me a long time to get out.

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it is there.
I still fall in. It’s a habit.
My eyes are open.
I know where I am.
It is my fault. I get out immediately.

walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.

I walk down another street.”

I’m not as helpless and lost as I was at the beginning of the journey. I’ve been lost and had fallen into the same hole quite a few times. This morning I was right on the edge, teetered and stood my ground. Nope! I’m not falling in this time.

Practice. Keep on trying. Let go. Love. Be kind. These are some of the things I need to do over and over. It’s a meditation. It’s living. It is.

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SPARE MOMENTS – Day 272 in a year of…

Day 272 – April 26, 2017 @8:21 am

Today I am focusing on utilizing those spare moments. So here I am – showing up again, remembering that small moments can add up. One of my mother’s favourite say is those drops can fill a bucket. Let me fill my bucket list/drop and cross them off like the 17 year old Becca with terminal brain cancer. I already have had more moments than she ever will. Let me join #beccatoldmeto have faith, to be kind.

We do not have to be special. We can just be.do.whatever.however much.we.can.each.moment.each.day. The bucket will fill a drop at a time. At the end of the day, I will have done that much more, be that much fuller, satisfied…I will have a sense of movement, that I have gotten up, dressed up and showed up. It’s enough to celebrate.

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THERE ARE NO FAILURES – Day 271 in a year of…

Day 271 – April 25, 2017 @9:28 am

I’ve learned recently that there are no failures in life. You get different results. Sometimes they are better than the intended and the longed for ones. We are so blindsided with wants, goals and dreams. Sometimes we cannot see a good thing even when it slaps us in the face.

I like to think that each day is perfect unto itself – no matter sunshine or clouds. We need sun to grow and thrive but we also need the clouds with its rain. I’m learning to welcome each day as is. There’s always a light through the darkness. Every cloud has a silver lining. Being the human that I am, there are and will be days that I will cry and fight against it. That’s okay. That is my nature. It will pass and I will be tranquil once more. I will take up the word and continue to tap, tap,tap here. I want to bring light and hope with them. I want to urge you on to make your world just a little better each day.

I’m baking bread this morning – back to 6 loaves again. Making good use of the oven. I’ve never failed. Well, one time my dough never rose at all. I think I killed the yeast with too hot a water. Sheba had lovely doggy biscuits forever and a day. I made pita bread with it and was nice and crispy. It made for wonderful pizza crusts, too. So you see, ‘failure’ has its reward.

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